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| May 01, 2004 | COPYRIGHT 2004 All rights reserved. Reproduced by permission of The Condé Nast Publications Inc. This material is published under license from the publisher through the Gale Group, Farmington Hills, Michigan.  All inquiries regarding rights should be directed to the Gale Group. (Hide copyright information)Copyright

Insider's Guide Social Life

How to break up with a friend

By Jan Yager Yager, a sociologist, wrote When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You (Simon & Schuster). Maybe you are in a friendship that zaps your energy because your pal misuses you for free therapy. Or maybe she really crossed the line and dated your ex. You will generally know if a friendship is just too demanding for you; it's harder to decide whether or not to have a confrontation to end it. * Phase her out. It may be best to let the friendship fade away by reducing the frequency and intimacy of your contact. For instance, if you and your friend have lunch every day, tell her you are busy and switch to a more open-ended arrangement. It may sound cowardly, but this may be the least painful and kindest way to pull away. * Take a break. If fading away isn't working, you may want to explicitly say you need a time out. Say, "I need to focus on work now, but I'll be back in touch soon." If you miss her, you'll be glad you didn't abruptly end it. * Let her down gently. If you have a truly toxic friend, avoid actions that might lead to a vendetta -- especially if you are coworkers, are neighbors, or share intimate secrets. ...

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