McNown fooling no one with his latest con.

Byline: Skip Bayless

This cannot be. Our Cade? Stealing Playboy Playmates from his buddy Tim Couch and from the Hutchmaster himself, Hugh Hefner? Getting banned from the Mansion?

If this is true, Cade McNown must be trying to save their souls. That's it. He took Brande to Mexico to get her away from that Satan-on-Earth Hef, to cleanse her in the Gulf waters and help restore her virtue.

Surely he promised Heather a Porsche if she quit living in sin with Couch, quit exposing her heavenly gifts for money and began accompanying Cade to Bible study.

What else would our Mr. Clean want with a Miss April and Miss January? Our Cade cares only about avoiding the sack, not hopping in it with voluptuous vultures. Surely when he applied for his Illinois driver's license, in the box for "sex" our Cade wrote "none."

Remember? When the Bears drafted our Cade out of UCLA _ our 205-pound Opie Taylor _ he sheepishly told interviewers that, shucks, he so hated to lose that he still hadn't lost his virginity. Football so consumed him that, gosh, he had no time for girls. Our Cade said he was saving himself for post-football marriage.

Those accusations about how McNown was a ringleader in using handicapped-parking placards at UCLA? Gee whiz, all a big misunderstanding, he said after arriving for his first training camp and parking in a handicapped spot.