Single guys need realistic horoscopes.(The Orlando Sentinel)

When desperation seeps into the lives of single men, they need a place to turn for comfort. They need a reassuring sign that all the good things in life have not passed them by.

At times like these, most people turn to astrology or Miss Cleo. But, hey, I'll gladly offer insight for free _ even though it is hard for me to affect a Jamaican accent in writing, mon.

So here they are, my realistic horoscopes for single guys:

Aries: (March 21-April 19) Your inner beauty will always outshine your outer beauty, but it will never outshine the 3 gallons of gel that you goop into your hair every morning. Try to ease up before we experience another oil shortage.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20) Your sign is that of the bull. No man with the sign of a bull is going to be successful with the ladies unless he is able to not just be a bull, but also be full of bull. Perhaps you could tell girls you are a Leo; girls seem to go for lions.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21) Your obsession with hot dogs has rendered you a horrible first date. If you know you are going to dribble mustard down the front of your shirt every time, it might be a good idea to start wearing yellow shirts.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22) You are predisposed to nesting. This is an acceptable practice when employed to make your apartment homier. The owners of that techno club you frequent, however, are starting to get mad about your habit of hanging drapes on the DJ booth every time you visit.