Cardinals' fans worried about Snake venom.(Chicago Tribune)

Byline: Mike Downey

MESA, Ariz. _

Downey's 11

1. "You're from Chicago? You guys getting the Snake?" a hotel clerk asked. "I beg your pardon?" I replied. Turns out he meant Jake Plummer, the quarterback, a.k.a. Jake the Snake. Football fans are anxious out here where cactus doesn't make perfect. They saw the Bears jettison Jim Miller. Some would hate to see the Cardinals lose the Snake. Hey, you people are lucky we don't take the Cardinals back. Well, on second thought, maybe not.

2. OK, when the Cubs win the pennant, a word of warning: Don't get Dusty Baker sore. I still vividly recall being in the visiting team's clubhouse in Montreal when the Dodgers won in 1981. Champagne shampoos were being enjoyed by all. (Any man called Dusty is begging to get wet.) But a teammate, Derrel Thomas, accidentally conked Baker on the skull with a bottle. "Damn you, Derrel," Dusty howled. I know the Cubs aren't too experienced with celebrations, so please, everybody be careful.

3. The New York Post is gay. I have it on good authority from two baseball sources_a catcher and a former pitcher_that the entire staff of the New York tabloid newspaper is only pretending to be straight. I can't prove this, of course, but what the hell, I'm going with the story anyway. For it's one, two, three strikes (and you're outed) at the old ballgame.

4. "Big Unit" is pitcher Randy Johnson's nickname. The 6-foot-10-inch left-hander is a big man in these parts. But the young, up-and-coming White Sox pitcher Jon Rauch is 6-11 big. Notre Dame, meantime, has freshman right-hander Ryan Doherty, who stands 7-1. If pitchers get much taller, baseball will have to move the mound back to second base. I believe any pitcher 6-5 or shorter will have to be called Small Unit.