Has anyone seen my mother? (p.s).(Brief Article)

Someone has stolen my mother. I don't know who it was or exactly when it happened, but here's the story.

My mother has always had a sweet tooth. Growing up, there was always something sweet (and not exactly healthy) in the house. There were coffee cakes, Popsicles and peanut butter cookies. And sugar-coated, jelly spearmint leaves and rip-out-your-dental-work caramels.

I inherited my mother's sweet tooth, but, unfortunately, not her metabolism. Therefore, years ago I realized I had to change my eating habits. Look in my kitchen cabinets today, and you'll find oat bran and couscous and whole-wheat pitas. I now eat lots of vegetables, grains and lean meats, and exercise every other day--and feel better for it. I also know that refined sugar is bad for us, and it makes me cranky and leaves me feeling blah. But sometimes that sweet tooth still nags. So when I need a little sugary fix, I always knew that I could stop by my mother's house and grab a licorice twist or peppermint patty.

That was until she was kidnapped. Someone must have heard about my mother's centerpiece artistry or her ability to whip up a crocheted afghan in a week and decided they had to have her for their own. So they took her, probably in the middle of the afternoon when no one was around, and replaced her with -- you guessed it -- a health-food fanatic!

Imagine my shock when, stopping by my parents' house, I opened the refrigerator and saw soy milk! Not whole milk, and certainly not chocolate milk, but actual soy milk. And it was half empty!

She must've gotten it as a sample, I thought. But then something on the counter caught my eye. It was a loaf of bread. Not white bread, not even whole wheat bread, but gluten-free rice bread.

As I looked around, I couldn't believe my eyes. Soy yogurts, tofu dogs and veggie burgers. Rice cakes, organic veggies and wheat-free crackers. There was nary a ...