Ask Mrs. Exeter.(gift-giving)

Byline: editor: Sally Singer

Giving from the heart (not necessarily from the wallet) makes for the most meaningful presents, so let connectionnot cashbe your guide.

Q uestion: Like the rest of America, our family is feeling the pinch and the panic of these uncertain financial times. Holiday shopping? My heart isn't in it. Is declaring a moratorium on gift giving a possibility? Only kidding. Truth be told, it is not just my very real budget worries, but over the past several years my holidays somehow became more about racing to buy for everyone on my list than rejoicing. Can you help me, Mrs. Exeter, before I turn Scrooge?

A nswer: Make this your merry mantra: It isn't the cost, it's the connection. That is the secret to gift giving. Whether it is festive cookies you have baked after work or jolly carats you have bought at Cartier with the sugars of your trust fund, there should always be a bigger idea behind the present you are giving. Make the gift a catalyst, a symbol, that provides an exquisite opportunity to express your delight, your respect, and your thanks to the person on whom you are bestowing this token, and I do mean token, because less can certainly be more when there is engagement and inspiration involved.

Here is how some friends are thinking red and green this season: Mixing innovation with fund-raising, Tory Burch has produced a compilation CD of some of her favorite music, an eclectic mix from Youssou Ndour to Tim Keegan, with a cover designed by the artist Julie Mehretu; 100 percent of the proceeds benefit Save the Children. Blaine Trump, the beneficent godmother of God's Love We Deliver, will send brownies from the worthy charity's catalog ($25 for eight; godslovewedeliver.org). Irena Medavoy supports Adopt a Sister. For a minimum suggested donation of $160 to their foundation, one of the Salesian Sisters (you might have seen them on 20/20 ) will pray for the recipient of your gift, all denominations welcome, every day for one year (salesiansisters.org). And if you would like to give a charitable donation in a friend's name but do not wish to impose your sympathies and passions upon him or her, consider justgive.org gift certificates, with which your friend can contribute to upward of one million local and national nonprofit organizations.

Sandy Hill has commissioned bird paintings by the artist Tony Henneberg, choosing species that she felt connected with her friends. For example, a pair of quail, known for their devotion to family, has been ordered for a (human) couple who share those same nesting values. Patricia Wexler, M.D., picks a theme every yearframes or cashmere, for instanceand she shops within that context to match presents to people. Pat wouldn't reveal this year's theme lest it spoil any surprises, but when we bumped into each other recently at the restaurant of the Plaza AthA[c]nA[c]e hotel, she did have an interesting point about the aforementioned Scrooge impulse. "Except for people who really do have a hardship in this economy, I hope others don't use this as an opportunity to get out of things, either presents for family and friends or donations to charities."

I take pleasure in writing notes on good stationery to favorite people and look for presents that will inspire a turn of phrase, or several, allowing me to express affection, humor, and appreciation for this person in my life. The grandchildren will receive, with heartfelt notes attached, pieces of gold jewelry they might otherwise inherit someday. Gold because, well, maybe because I am not willing to surrender the Exeter diamondsha!quite yet, but I can write notes to each grandchild about solid values in unsteady times.