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Testing my worth: I beat myself up over standardized tests until I learned something unexpected.(TRANSFORMATIONS)(living with dyscalculia)

Colorlines Magazine

| September 01, 2007 | Hines, Aries | COPYRIGHT 2007 Color Lines Magazine. This material is published under license from the publisher through the Gale Group, Farmington Hills, Michigan.  All inquiries regarding rights should be directed to the Gale Group. (Hide copyright information)Copyright

I WAS ALL TOO YOUNG THE FIRST TIME mathematics beat me down. I learned multiplication not by using times tables but by counting my index fingers. I never spoke loudly to begin with, but in math class my tears always came across louder than my words. There were so many math teachers disappointed and angry with me for not understanding the equations on the board.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

In high school, I had to take the math portion of a standardized exit exam. I studied with my math teacher at my house, during my lunch breaks and sometimes after school. I failed the test three times before finally passing. Had I failed just one more time, I wouldn't have graduated high school. It has always been that way for me with math: I fail every time. Math was not only the thing that nearly halted my graduating from high school, but it was the also the thing that changed the journey of my college career.

I did poorly on the ACT and the SAT. But I was accepted into college on a provisional basis if I completed a summer program and some remedial math courses. For the next three years, I never took a math class. But finally my avoidance caught up with me, and I received a notice to take a state-required exit exam for students who hadn't received a 2.0 in either mathematics or reading. I didn't know much of anything about the test (called the CLAST) that I was demanded to take. All I knew was if I didn't pass the test or receive a 2.0 in two math courses, then I would not graduate college.

Maintaining nearly a 3.0 GPA throughout college while working three, sometimes four jobs, while being the president, treasurer and secretary of my own student organization--I did all that but measured my self-worth against my failure with mathematics. Black women are not seen as intelligent, what with the pervasive media portrayal of crack mothers and welfare queens, or booty-shaking video divas. I knew I had to fight for myself, and every Black woman and little Black girl in the world.

So I prepared each time ...

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