THE GROOM REAPER.

The founding principle of the Universal Life Church, which was begun in 1959 in Modesto, California, by a renegade Baptist minister, is that the legal and social privileges traditionally enjoyed by men of the cloth--the right to perform marriages among them--should be available to all. To that end, the church has enrolled more than eighteen million ministers, many of them since the advent of the Internet, which has made becoming a legally ordained minister easier than placing an order with FreshDirect. A basic ministerial package from the church, which includes a certificate with gold seal, suitable for framing, costs ten dollars; for an additional five dollars, U.L.C. ministers can apply for one of about a hundred and fifty religious titles, including Cardinal, Lama, Reverend Mother, Swami, Magus, Martyr, Goddess, Angel, or Apostle of Humility.

It comes as little surprise to learn that John Waters--who in 1986 was nominated by William Burroughs, free of charge, as the Pope of Trash--is one of the eighteen million. "I did it when we were making 'Cry-Baby,' because at the time Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder were going to be married, and Johnny's lawyers asked me to be ordained," Waters explained the other day over breakfast--half a poppy-seed bagel, with lox spread--at his apartment in Greenwich Village. "I think Winona and Johnny wanted to add a twist to it. I met her parents. I met his parents." That wedding never took place, but Waters has gone on to perform thirteen ceremonies; the most recent was last summer, near his house in Provincetown. "I have only one divorce out of thirteen," he said. "But I try not to do it too much anymore. People want me to write witty ceremonies, which I don't do now. I let them write it. And I charge seven dollars, in cash, and report it on my tax return. They have to give me correct change."

This week, Waters appears in a new comedy series entitled "'Til Death Do Us Part," on Court TV. Each episode charts the progress of a couple's romance from the altar to the courthouse, where, several years later, one spouse is accused of murdering the other. The ...