Dr. Alan Zimmerman and the 20-question technique for building stronger relationships.(SELECTED TOPIC)

Dr. Alan Zimmerman knows about building stronger relationships. As a husband, father, grandfather, speaker and teacher, he has cultivated strong relationships with kin and acquaintances alike for over 20 years. His book, Brave Questions, is a summary of a methodology taught to him by Dr. Sidney Simon of the University of Massachusetts. There are a multitude of questions for building all types of understandings between people, from the most basic to the most intensely intimate, and everything in-between.

While there are too many questions to list, Dr. Zimmerman shares a Lot of his own insight throughout the book. The premise behind the questions is, simply put: many people just don't know what questions to ask, when it comes to being closer with other people. Ironically, Zimmerman finds that relationships often deteriorate with increased familiarity. We all know the drill: after that initial meeting and small talk, small talk turns into cursory inquiries, "Enjoying the weather?" "How about that football game?" and on it goes. The skill that people lack--and it's not uncommon--is how to connect on a deeper level.

All that changed for Zimmerman during a visit to one of Simon's seminars, in which Simon put two pairs of people together and instructed them to ask one another what he called "brave questions". One pair was very well acquainted with each other, while the other pair had never met before. When they each finished, the first pair had discovered more about each other than they had ever previously known and the latter pair had created a very comfortable rapport with one another. Zimmerman, astonished by this demonstration, began implementing this technique in his classes and in his own life. The results, he found, were startling: for example, he created a blossoming relationship with his formerly-hardened grandmother, and many of his students reported similar experiences.

When Zimmerman began producing speaking workshops of his own, he endorsed the same technique. In business, he found, colleagues started to achieve more understanding within a few minutes of exchanging questions than they had in the several months prior to the exchange. One example he uses in his book is the case of "Tom": an employee of a pharmaceutical company, who decided to try the 20-question technique on some of his co-workers with whom he felt out of touch. Tom's two-year old child had a terminal illness with no known cure. So, he shared that experience with his colleagues, and found all of them to be suffering similar difficult situations away from the workplace. "It was Life changing," Tom reported, in a letter to Zimmerman.

Zimmerman goes on to recount that Tom now sees the lives people have away from work, as well as the "face" they put on at work. Employee performance issues can go well beyond what's seen on the surface. Tom now believes it's important to develop deeper relationships with other employees, so he can not only help them bring out their best work--but be there for them, when they are in need.

Zimmerman recommends that when you do begin exchanging questions, you set a list of guidelines:

* Agree on a ...