Staying off the map.(Brief Article)

Residents of the tiny coastal resort of Port Xenophobe (pop. 254) say they re ready to take the law into their own hands to defend the unspoilt seclusion of their township against an ABC proposal to film a television series there. The series, provisionally entitled Nothing on the Air, would "take up where SeaChange left off" in "laying bare the soul of a coastal community," says ABC drama chief Penny Flowerchild.

Port Xenophobe is no stranger to controversy. Amid fierce competition the resort recently won the National Tourism Authority's coveted "Warm Reception" award for its "imaginative tourist strategy", summed up in the corporate marketing slogan, "Port Xenopbobe--Where We're Happy To See The Back of You". Since the decline of the coelacanth-fishing industry the township's principal industries have been serial cohabitation and receipt of the dole.

"We're ordinary people here, warts and all," says local hotel-owner and Tourism Discouragement Committee chairman Les Grott. "We don't want them ABC tossers barging in and portraying us as a lot of heart-warming goody-goodies with a caring community spirit. Makes yer throw up."

Shire president Arnie "Wifebasher" Crabtree agrees. "The thing that gets me about them ABC small-town shows is that you're supposed to believe everyone who lives there has a heart of gold, even the ones who don't mind putting the boot in on their neighbours. They're all freaks and caricatures if you ask me. There's always some wise old codger dispensing advice to all and sundry and a loveable old dear in the local shop. Well there's none of that here. Les got rid of the last wise old codger--a retired ABC radio producer, thought he knew the lot--because he was bad for business. Used to empty the bar sitting there and holding forth. But he soon got the message when the volunteer fire brigade--Les is captain--set fire to his arty little vineyard and cottage. Out of town like a Bondi tram, he was. As for the shop, that's run by the worst-tempered Croat you've ever met, Milo Halitosis, owns most of the cannabis farms round here. Punch yer lights out for a deener."

In addition to his agricultural interests and proprietorship of Milo's One-Stop Milk Bar Smokes Takeaway Gourmet Food Adult Mags Videos and Petrol Station, "Slobbo" Halitosis, who has a distinguished war record in his country of origin, has been commissioned by the Shire Council to raise and train a militia to defend the resort against "ABC aggression". "He's like Errol Flynn ...