Selling It.(Humor)(Column)

Ready, world?

Here, three products you never knew you needed:

* It's the "perfect date for a Jimmy Buffet concert!" says boatblender.com, "home of the drilled margarita." Yes, folks, you take your own cordless drill (at least 1,100 rpm); attach a Boatblender drill bit; fill a 32-ounce Boatblender bottle with ingredients; attach the Boatblender cap, complete with mixer blade; insert the drill; and let 'er rip. Word to the wise: "Don't do any one-handed drilling!" the maker recommends. "That bottle could just fly off and hurt someone."

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* "Nothing helps kids fall asleep better than a familiar bedtime routine," says the blurb from the OneStepAhead catalog and online store. As part of that routine, the company suggests Sweet Dreams Fragrant Bedtime Mist, scented with peony petals or lavender. "Spray it in the air, and banish troublesome thoughts, scary dreams, and monsters under the bed. Kids can't help but relax as the fragrant mist descends like a soft blanket." What the blurb doesn't say is why you'd need to spend $5.95 on this product when you probably already have a scented spray around the house--and when everyone knows that monsters under the bed love peonies.

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* For $9.99 (plus $2.75 shipping and handling), Tel-a-Zap will "stop those pesky telemarketing calls in just a few days." Tel-a-Zap (not to be confused with a device called TeleZapper, which is set up differently) is a floppy disk recorded with the three tones that indicate a disconnected number. You record them on your answering machine (followed by an anti-telemarketing message, if you'd like).When a telemarketer's automatic dialing machine hears them, it "thinks" it has dialed a disconnected number, and you're supposedly removed from the company's calling list. But--there's always a "but," isn't there? You have to refrain from answering the phone for however long you think it will take to delude all telemarketers. A few days? We don't think so. And then there's this note from Tel-a-Zap: "Make sure you tell your friends, associates, and relatives about the tones and message so they won't think your phone is disconnected." Once you've (a) warned dozens of people that you haven't skipped town and (b) expressed a fervent hope that you'll receive no calls from long-lost friends, you may be wondering just who has gotten zapped.