I'm a dangerous emcee. (My Turn).

Sorry this isn't your usual sports column. Cut me some slack. I'm hosting the ESPYs (July 16, 9 p.m. ET on ESPN), which isn't your usual awards show.

I know, because I've been the host for MTV's Video Awards. I've been to the Academy Awards, which, like the ESPYs, are held in the Kodak Theatre and are a magnet for hot women. I also meet the same A-listers at all these shows: Ben stiller and Kobe Bryant ... Michael Vick and Kiefer Sutherland. The most obvious similarity in these shows, of course, is everybody in the audience is in the 44 percent tax bracket.

But there is one huge difference: The

ESPYs are going to be funny. And dangerous.

Take the host--me. Some people may confuse me with Samuel L. Jackson, who has been hosting these awards most of the first 10 years. (Check out the imitation: "Do you mind if I have some of your tasty drink to wash this down?" That's Samuel L., in Pulp Fiction.) Some people may confuse me with Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, the Wayans Brothers, Bernie Mac, Cedric the Entertainer, Sinbad, George Lopez, Wanda Sykes, Stuart Scott. But no one better confuse me with Billy Crystal.

Hey, I actually can play sports. Anybody seen Billy Crystal act? I was a quarterback at Terrell High in Dallas, and I was a quarterback, Willie Beamen, in Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday. In Ali, I was Bundini Brown, Ali's corner man, the role I beat out Will Smith for.

OK, so you die-hard fans are cynical. Why think an awards show can make you bust a gut? I'm cynical, too. Damn, that's why the guys on my writing team are going 120 percent, to give you people something to talk about around the ...