All the comforts of home.(Closer)

As I've said before, big-league life is awesome. The parks made just for us cost hundreds of millions. We fly on charter flights and never have to put our seatbelts on or our tray tables up. We don't even have to sit down for takeoff. We stay in the best hotels and play video games until 3 a.m. We sleep until 2 p.m. and then go to the park.

As players, you just have to show up and play. That is the No. 1 responsibility. You don't have to wash your uniform or cook your dinner. The food is right there in the clubhouse. The clubhouse becomes our second home. It is shut off from the world, except for reporters. It is sacred ground.

You can get anything you want in the clubhouse. The clubhouse has one boss, who has five or six assistants. These guys will do anything you ask. They are there to help you with whatever you need, from getting your dry cleaning to getting the oil changed in your car. There's a story that Deion Sanders once paid a clubhouse kid $100 to get him a six-pack of Yoo-hoo.

Most clubhouse kids are high school or college students working their way through school. If they are motivated, they can make a lot of money. Players might be pampered, but they also are unreal tippers. The standard fee for an errand is $20. Players usually pick one of the clubhouse kids to be his go-to guy, and each time the player needs something he gives the money to his guy. That's not to say you can't use someone else's guy, or that some players will get jealous if you borrow their guys. But you have your guy, and you're supposed to take care of him. You think of things for him to do and give him money to help him out.