Reel sports: the Oscar Madisons.(Know It All)

Remember how proud of yourself you were in elementary school when your teacher put a gold star on your math homework and wrote, "Great job!!!"? The desire for recognition doesn't stop when you grow up--which is why Hollywood invented awards season. For the first few months of the year, Tinseltown glitzes up for one awards show after another, culminating in the queen mother of awards shows, the Academy Awards.

Apart from showering them with hundred-million dollar contracts, why don't we do the same for our athletes? (The ESPYs? Puh-lease.) The nominees for best sports story ...

Something's Gotta Give.

This ensemble drama features Jack Nicholson as a Lakers fan desperate to restore unity to his squabbling team in time to win a championship. It also stars Shaquille O'Neal as a "fat, out-of-shape" superstar, Kobe Bryant as Shaq's self-absorbed, arrogant nemesis and Phil Jackson as the Zen Master trying to hold it all together on the court--and keep the boss' daughter happy off the court. Gary Payton and Karl Malone make cameos as the onetime franchise players who wonder, "How the hell did we get here, and how much are they paying us again?" Not since Shaq's star-making turn in Kazaam (movie tagline: The world's most powerful genie has just met his match) have we seen such a captivating power struggle on film.

Master and Commander. In this sweeping epic, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner stars as a man obsessed with ruling the world--or, at least, Major League Baseball. The Boss collects multimillion-dollar contracts like a little girl collects Barbie dolls, all in preparation for the climactic battle against his archrival, Red Sox owner John Henry. The soul of the game is at stake. Will Steinbrenner emerge victorious? (Stay tuned for the sequel; working title: What Happens to a ...