Cold Pizza tastes half-baked.(Remote Patrol)

Experienced stomachs know: 1) Any cold pizza is deelish; 2) All morning TV is bad cheese. But now, live from New York at 7 a.m. ET weekdays, comes ESPN2's Cold Pizza, straining to shatter gastronomic stereotypes.

As host Jay Crawford recited from the TelePrompTer, "We're going to give you a little of everything. News, of course. Sports, some movies, music, great guests. Most importantly, we plan to have a lot of fun." ESPN Inc. also is guaranteeing free delivery of a bigger audience than the exercise shows and billiards that had occupied this time slot.

Alas, Cold Pizza ain't reinventing the pie baked by Today, Good Morning America and CBS' post-Captain Kangaroo programming. ESPN2's recipe is suspiciously similar to low-cal, high-caffeine FOX & Friends, right down to the cheesy, standard-issue A.M. Des Moines cast.

Crawford is half-Matt Lauer, half-Ted Baxter. Coming out of commercial to an image of the Empire State Building, he narrated, "A gorgeous shot of the Statue of Liberty: Mama mia. Co-host Kit Hoover--she's so wacky--chirps, "What's up, girl?"; swoons for "hottie" Kirk Herbstreit; emits an over-the-top 'tude that oozes through Leslie Maxie's news updates and onto the bottom-of-the-screen ticker. The reporter is Thea Andrews--same as alter ego Thea Andrews, a fictional reporter on Playmakers, except she doesn't openly flirt ...