HOMELAND HOMEWORK.(The Talk of the Town)(humorous take on Long Island University's offering online master's program in Homeland Security Management)

Dear Admissions Officer:

As soon as I read in the Post that Long Island University would be offering an online master's program in Homeland Security Management, I knew I had to apply. But then, this month, New York City's antiterrorism funding was cut by forty per cent partly because of a clerical screwup--apparently the application was supposed to be filed electronically, but some weird eighties person faxed it instead, prompting Senator Charles Schumer to explain, "It would be as if you got 800s on your boards and Stanford Law School rejected you because you put the stamp on upside down." Senator Schumer obviously has no clue what it takes to get into grad school in modern times ("Boards"? Try the LSAT, top score 180), but, anyway, his speech made me paranoid. So, even though you don't require an essay, or, even necessarily a bachelor's degree, here are a few words about why I want to come to (or at least send e-mails to) L.I.U.'s Southampton Graduate Campus for my degree in Homeland Security.

My main reason for wanting to obtain this diploma is that, as your Web site puts it, "Homeland Security is among the nation's leading growth sectors." In the ten years since 2002, there will have been, for instance, a 22.4-per-cent increase in jobs for detectives and criminal investigators--it's like those ads in the subway promising a bright new future, except that we get to learn about dirty bombs and money laundering instead of dental hygiene.

Reconnaissance is crucial to homeland security, and I have been doing some advance planning of my own. Of the five core classes L.I.U. offers, I am particularly interested in HSM 530: Domestic and International Terrorism, for which the syllabus includes stuff like "The Al Qaeda Manual" and "An Outline of the Most Superior Fundamentals in the Art of Kidnapping Americans." For my electives, I'm thinking about HSM 670: The Economics of Terror and Extremism ("Week 7: Focus on Diamond Smuggling" looks especially fascinating) and HSM 710: Weapons of Mass Destruction. I'm also looking forward to the practicum requirement. In an internship as an airport security manager, for instance, it would be educational to experience the passenger- screening process as a wander rather than as ...