GIVING AWAY MY FORTUNE.(The Talk of the Town;satire on Warren Buffett's donation to Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation)

In case you haven't heard, I recently caused a stir by announcing that I would be giving away eighty-five per cent of my personal fortune, an amount that, according to my most recent SavingsPlus™ statement, adds up to $6,327.83. This figure, of course, doesn't include moneys that I am owed in the coming fiscal month; nor does it reflect outstanding debts to various private individuals and business entities whose fixation on the bottom line has apparently blinded them to the value of warm collegial relations.

In the days since news of my gift was posted on my Facebook page, many people have asked me, "Why are you doing this?" Two reasons. First, I'm in my forties now, and, even taking into account the years lost to depression, panic disorder, post-adolescent angst, and computer solitaire, I've racked up nearly a decade of gainful employment. I'm ready to step down, kick back, and let the young go-getters bash it out among themselves. Enjoy, fuckers. Also, freelance journalism is, let's face it, a very lucrative field--a soft, sweet, long dollar--and it's time to give something back. In the interests of transparency and of compliance with I.R.S. regulations, here is a list of the charitable organizations that will benefit from my largesse.

Because of my commitment to ending global inequity, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will receive the lion's share of my fortune, some $3,261.06. Part of this gift will be in stock (one share of Green Giant, the company that makes frozen vegetables, given to me at birth as a joke) and part in tangible assets. Specifically: a Dell Inspiron 8100 notebook computer that I bought in the winter of 2002. I am hoping that this excellent machine will help an underprivileged child in a developing nation bridge the digital divide and dare to dream--perhaps of changing his name from Deepak to Brad and getting a job at the Dell technical-support call center. The collection of punk, seventies soul, and heavy-metal downloads in my iTunes ...