A season on the brink: flyin' octopi. Monkey rolls on hot coals. Who says the NFL is no fun? Seventeen weeks of nuttiness, and it starts now.(Know It All)

Week 1: In an attempt to counteract negative publicity--plus, bad vibes among players--associated with appearing on the cover of his video game John Madden announces plans to appear in as well be on the cover of, the next Internet-distributed Paris Hilton video production.

Week 2: A copy of the Packers' playbook mysteriously lands in the hotel of the visiting Bears, but by kickoff, a frustrated Chicago coaching staff is unable to decipher what it calls the "Da Vincey Code" of Green Bay's most sacred football figure, Saint Lombardi.

Week 3: After struggling on offense for the first two games, coach Joe Gibbs fires his offensive "crew chief" after discovering the Redskins' backs and receivers were instructed to "run really fast and turn left."

Week 4: In order to accommodate the schedule of legally challenged running back Jamal Lewis, the Ravens announce their remaining games will be held in "the judge's chambers."

Week 5: It's opening weekend for Michael Moore's anti-Tagliabue crock-umentary produced by Al Davis. The title--FahrenHeidi 4332--reflects the final score of both the notorious unseen game and the temperature when a white polyester sweatsuit spontaneously combusts.

Week 6: For a rematch of last season's championship game, when Carolina defensive backs teased, taunted and bullied Philadelphia receivers, then bragged about it, the Eagles announce the signing of free-agent slot receiver Todd Bertuzzi.

Week 7: Maurice Clarett is suing the NFL because, according to documents filed with the U.S. Supreme Court, "At the very least, I would have been AFC Rookie of the Week by now."