DEPT. OF HOOPLA.(The Talk of the Town)

Half a dozen men and women were sitting around a table at Enjoy!!!, a tea room in Ossining, New York, the other day when a stretch limousine pulled up. Out stepped Peter Falk, in from the West Coast to promote a new movie and to spend an afternoon in Ossining, where he grew up, in celebration of a street's being named after him. He'd arranged to meet up with some childhood friends before the ceremony: "My God, Pete." "So good to see you, Pete." "Peter, get a load of you." One man said that for decades he'd been meaning to thank Falk for sending a TV set to his mother's house so that his family could watch "Columbo."

Falk, who is ruddy and short-waisted, had on zippered boots and an orange-and-pink flowered shirt. He grinned and made a V in the air with his arms. "Jesus Christ," he said. "I gotta piss."

It's been a while since Falk has been seen in Ossining, which is about thirty miles upriver from Manhattan. "The last time I was here?" he said. "Let's see, it's a photo finish between my fiftieth high-school reunion, in 1995, and the time I went to visit Alan Arkin, in Briarcliff." He continued, "When I got there, Alan said, 'Congratulations.' I said, 'For what?' He said, 'For the great reviews for the movie.' I said, 'For that piece of crap I just did?' He said, 'No, for "The In-Laws." ' I said, 'Alan, we did "The In-Laws" a long time ago.' He said, 'Yeah, but they just did a remake with Michael Douglas and everybody's saying it's not as good as the original.' I got better reviews for the second one than for the one I was in."

A white-haired man said, "Pete, were you in the class when they put the artificial dog turd on the floor?"

"I don't know," Falk said. "Something tells me I ...