MAJOR POLLUTER SHUNS KYOTO CONFERENCE.(Phillip Arblaster)(Brief Article)

A "Categorical refusal" by Australia's biggest air polluter to limit its emissions has brought the Kyoto II conference on atmospheric damage limitation to a stalemate.

Conference organisers say the sticking point was a demand that the ABC, the nation's largest producer of hot air, sign a protocol obliging it to "reduce by ninety-five per cent the gaseous emissions of Phillip Arblaster, its principal emitter of the soporific compound tedium." Excessive quantities of tedium in the atmosphere can lead to mass sleeping sickness or, in extreme cases, to violence against radio sets, television receivers and other hot-air transmitters, depending on the amount absorbed.

The ABC's refusal to cease emissions of what environmentalists concerned to keep the air waves healthy and "sneer-free" have long been targeting as a prime atmospheric pollutant is a major setback to the campaign by clean-air and anti-noise-pollution groups to make the national hot-air emitter more sensitive to the needs of its consumers. The campaign has intensified since Arblaster's level of tedium production was augmented by the use of the imported British additive Bea Campbell, well-known in its country of manufacture as a leading feminist bore and radio blatherer. Both emitters operate on the windbag principle to propel their vapours into the atmosphere. Both have been criticised under trades descriptions law as being inferior-quality products, "showing all the signs of outdated 1960s thinking," misleadingly marketed by the ABC as top of their range.

Conference convenors insist that the conference did not "gang up" on the ABC, as a spokesman for the latter had claimed when announcing ...