Frying the French.(renaming 'French' food in the U.S.)

They were the best of fries, they were the worst of fries. Forgive the Charles Dickens, but I am writing my own tale of two cities right now-- and both are New York.

The plot, of course, involves the Side Dish Formerly Known as French Fries. Last month, while the French were blocking American efforts to bomb Iraq, a restaurant in North Carolina demonstrated a command of international geopolitics by changing its menu to read "freedom fries." Congress, too, changed its menu, and now even George Bush has launched a personal offensive in the culinary wars, breakfasting on "freedom toast topped with strawberries" aboard Air Force One recently while en route to bolster his troops in Florida.

Most residents of oh-so-cosmopolitan New York City view these linguistic broadsides as the rantings of a few Neanderthals who see the French as a symbol of everything that is wrong with that part of the world that doesn't think everything is right with America. Though some Americans are boycotting French food, New Yorkers seem to understand that a French restaurateur doing business in Manhattan pays his taxes to the United States, employs American workers and buys his produce from American farmers. In fact, he probably isn't even, well, of you- know-what unmentionable nationality.

To test this theory, I've started my own entirely scientific investigation. Whenever possible, I substitute the word "freedom" for "French" in all my culinary discourse. The results are shocking. Sometimes I've been rebuffed; other times I've been welcomed as a hero. At one trendy bakery in a left-leaning community, the counterman rolled his eyes at me when I asked for a loaf of country freedom batard. "We still call it French batard!" he said. The Gaul! I should be rolling my eyes at him! ...