The Long View.(parodies of political diaries)

The Campaign Diaries

Very Special Mopping Up(tm) Edition

From the diary of Terry McAuliffe:

. . . which, in some ways, is actually a "win" for us, in the sense that by winning, the Republicans have, in a sense, "lost" by "gaining seats," to use the media's term -- a term that is really accurate only if, when you say "gaining," you mean "increasing" -- which isn't really all that accurate. You don't say, "Would you please consider 'gaining' your contribution to the Democratic party, Miss Streisand?" Of course not. So in almost every possible way we are uniquely positioned to win big next time around. In fact, I'm actually happy about the election results -- no, really -- because of the opportunities they create. I mean, we really should be celebrating, actually. We won. In a very real sense, it was a solid victory for our team. In fact, any way you slice it . . .

From the diary of Barbra Streisand:

. . . and they very kindly agreed to expedite my application for a private detective's license, for which I was very grateful. Because a lot of things don't add up. The actual specifications for the kind of plane that Senator Wellstone was flying that fateful day are familiar to me via the Internet search engine "Google," and if what I read there is accurate -- and it's on the Internet, after all -- then if the rudder pin and trip-back steel housing it attached to was improperly oiled -- again, oil! it's always about oil! -- it could create a metal fatigue situation that would go undetected by most observers. Which is just what they were counting on, isn't it? Curiouser and curiouser . . .

From the diary of Dick Gephardt: