Opposite Lock.(Column)(automobile driving humor)(Brief Article)

Byline: Kevin A. Wilson

True story: I pull up to a traffic signal, third in line. Front of the line, one of those old huge Broncos, raised off-road suspension, monster tow hook. Second in line, a Hyundai. To our right, a right-turn-only lane so designated, filled with traffic waiting for a green arrow. To our left, one other through lane and a left-turn-only.

The guy in the Bronco had driven right up to the light before getting the beast stopped, but the guy in the Hyundai had a brilliant idea that a red light was just the time to make a phone call, so he stopped four car-lengths back from the Bronco and devoted his full attention to the phone. A couple of minutes pass, the right-turn arrow turns green, and after someone honks, traffic starts flowing in that lane. We're still waiting at the red, though.

All except our hero, who has just hurriedly, no doubt proudly, finished the phone call while stopped, and is now looking down, stowing the phone. Seeing moving traffic in his peripheral vision, registering a horn honk, and nothing in the spaces directly ahead, he hurriedly accelerates, hitting the fully stationary Bronco squarely, and hard enough to A) lift the Hyundai's rear wheels a couple of inches off the ground and B) impale the radiator with that tow hook.

Poetic justice notwithstanding, this is the level of concentration on road matters that one may attain while trying to use a cell phone in a car and be ``safe'' about it, using it only when stationary. Therefore, a modest proposal.