The Long View.(satire on financial reporting ethics)(Brief Article)

The New Financial-Reporting Ethics Takes Hold

SEATTLE, WA October 9, 2002 (AP) Cody and Jason Palandjian were arrested last night by agents of the FBI and charged with violations of the newly passed Federal Ethical Reporting Act. The two brothers, aged seven and nine, were allegedly placing small bits of aluminum foil into the Palandjian family microwave while their parents, Michelle and David, were on the second floor of their comfortable, spacious suburban home. Hearing loud popping noises followed by the delighted shrieks of her sons, Michelle Palandjian called downstairs to investigate. "Boys?" she reportedly asked in a loud tone of voice. "What on earth is going on down there?" After a suspiciously long silence, they both answered in unison, "Nothing." Minutes later, after all of the circuit breakers in the Palandjian's two-story Normandy-style home blew, David Palandjian placed a call to the local FBI office. "It was their 24-hour whistleblower hotline," the trim 42-year-old said. "I think the boys need a lesson in honest reporting, and as a father and an investor, I couldn't just let this pass." Cody and Jason Palandjian are scheduled to be arraigned next week. They are currently in the federal holding area for Financial Task Force detainees.

NEW YORK, NY February 17, 2003 (Newsday) Two investment bankers at the troubled JP Morgan Chase investment bank were arrested this morning in the culmination of a six-month sting operation, involving 45 agents of the Federal Truth in Reporting Task Force working in cooperation with the NYPD, FBI, and investigators from the SEC Investigative Unit. Both were removed from their offices in shackles and mouthguards after each was overheard inflating the number of sexual partners and experiences he had allegedly enjoyed.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ November 12, 2002 (UPI) Mr. Forrest Blair, 62, a resident of the Whispering Mesa Estates area of Scottsdale, was arrested yesterday afternoon on the 18th green by agents of the Federal Financial Reporting Task Force. Agents report that Mr. Blair attempted to flee the scene when confronted with evidence of rampant score tampering. "He should have carded a 103, maybe a 104 for the round," Agent Frank Jones reported. "Instead, he shaved a few off of the early holes when no one was looking. He gave himself a 99." Agents report that they had been following Mr. Blair for most of the round. The entire operation took almost 24 agents in total -- some disguised as a slow-playing foursome in front, some as a fast twosome behind, and some as hot-dog girls. Mr. Blair is in critical condition in Mesa Verde Hospital ...