The Misanthrope's Corner.(Brief Article)(Column)

Twenty years ago when I published a book with Viking, somebody got the fan mail mixed up and sent me Stephen King's by mistake. That has to be my most memorable experience with what the trade calls "reader response," but the Gentle Readers of NR are not far behind. Coming in a very close second is the letter I got the other day:

"I loved your piece about your Aunt Ellen, I really did. It was sweet and tender and loving, and it scared the hell out of me. It sounded like you were getting nice. Please, I beg of you, don't get nice. That's all I need at this point. It would be the end of me, I couldn't go on if you turned nice on us, so please let us know that you're still your old self."

Okey-dokey. I aim to please, so here is a roundup of what keeps me in a rolling boil.

George W. Bush: I don't care if this is a conservative magazine, I can't stand the sight or the sound of him. It's visceral, not political. Everything he does and says -- slinging his arms around people, slouching on lecterns, his "strong personal bonds," his hearty- har nicknaming -- affects me like sulfuric acid trickling down my spine. He reminds me of every boy in school who ever called me "brain" and "curve-breaker." We also differ on favorite philosophers. Mine is Schopenhauer: "To forgive and forget is to surrender dearly bought experience."

The Anniversary Waltz: Americans are mired in a showy morbidity the likes of which have not been seen since ancient Egypt. The only difference between Ground Zero and Giza is that workmen are hauling building materials down the ramps instead of up. After we pulled out all the stops in the ceremonies marking the six-month anniversary of the attacks, what is there left to do for the first year? We are perilously close to worshiping a hole in the ground.

The obsessive commemorations growing out of 9/11 can only encourage the ones that were already up and running before the terrorists struck. August threatens to turn into one giant wake. It contains the 40th anniversary of Marilyn Monroe's death, the 25th anniversary of Elvis's, and the 5th anniversary of Princess Di's on the last day of the month, which will take us into September, when my quarterly Estimated Taxes are due on the 15th.

All News Is Created Equal: I remember when a news bulletin was just that: "Japanese attack Pearl Harbor. . . . FDR dead." Later, I worked on a newspaper when the wire machines still rang a bulletin bell when something important happened. But nowadays, if you discriminate between this news and that, somebody might call you a "newsist," so the cable shows crank up their ruffles-and-flourishes bulletin music, zoom-flash "Breaking News" across the screen, and announce that a Greyhound bus has overturned in Ogallala, Neb. Don't bother to switch channels; you'll just get "Fox News Alert" with the latest on the boiler that exploded in Toledo.