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"When I see an American flag flying, it's a joke . . . I'd be very happy to stay [in Britain]. There's nothing in America that I would miss at all."
-- director Robert Altman, in the London Times
"Everyone wants to play a retard."
-- a movie producer, quoted in the New York Post about the current mania among Hollywood actors for mentally handicapped roles.
London -- Expatriate American director Robert Altman today began shooting his new movie, M*U*S*H, which will portray an Al Qaeda army field hospital for mentally-challenged soldiers. Starring are: Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, and numerous other top stars who either detest the United States government or want to play "retards."
"When I heard that Bob was producing a genuinely anti-American movie, I jumped at the chance," said Sean Penn, pulling on a cigarette between close-ups and punching out a reporter.
According to a copy of the script obtained by the reporter after being pummeled by Mr. Penn, the movie satirizes the United States' retaliation against Al Qaeda for the September 11 terrorist attacks. In one scene, President Bush, played by Alec Baldwin, is depicted trying to eat a pretzel through his ear.