AGONY.(answers to relationship questions)

sneaky shutterbug

I've been with my guy for two years and thought things were great. But when I was putting a surprise love note in his briefcase, I found pictures of me...sleeping naked, taken without my knowledge. I've now found similar pictures of ex-girlfriends. I want to dump him. What's your take?

Dump him? For what? I'll admit, it certainly is puzzling that he has taken secret pictures of you and the others unclothed and asleep. But dump-worthy? A man whom you care for so much that you were slipping a love note into his briefcase? Let's investigate first. Evidence is strong that he is on a power trip: He gets off on photographing sleeping partners who cannot stop him, strike an artificial pose, or paint on makeup. This tells me he's probably in some way threatened by an awake woman. Does he show other signs that he's insecure in bed or in daily life? If so, you could help him to think better of himself. You don't tell me whether he likes you to "play dead" or pretend to be asleep when you make love. If he does, then his little hobby is probably more sinister. To know for sure, all you can really do in this case is confront him. Do it calmly--a woman's anger can panic even the most secure man and turn him into a liar. If he slides out of answering, fails to persuade you that the photos are innocent and of mainly sentimental value, or does not succeed in making you feel secure and safe, then that's as good as saying there is no trust between you And without trust, there is no relationship, and it is time to quit.

o no-show

My guy can't orgasm from intercourse--only if he masturbates or has me do it for him. It really bothers me, and I'd hate to see it destroy our relationship. What's going on...and is there anything I can do?

Perhaps your boyfriend is scared of the profound intimacy of penetration and cannot stand too much of it. Or maybe he's just terrified of making you pregnant. He may not be knowledgeable about contraception or secure with the method you are using. It's even possible that he is afraid of passing on a sexually transmitted infection he has not dared tell you about--or getting one he's afraid you have. Some young men also are not able to believe that their partners actually want them to climax during penetration. Previous girlfriends might have made him think that coming inside them is repellent or unpleasant. Whatever the reason, the two of you can probably uncover it if you discuss the situation gently, tactfully, and calmly. Tell him how much you want this grand finale, and ask why he avoids it. If he's willing to overcome his inability, try a transitional sexual technique--for instance, reach down and grasp his penis as it thrusts into you so that he has the benefit of both your hand and your vagina. Perhaps the combination of masturbation and penetration will be enough to bridge the gap. Together, you two might be able to establish enough trust to solve the problem. If not, he may need sexual therapy. But if you assure him that you'll be there to help him along, it needn't be a laborious task.

fantasy fixation