Misanthrope's Corner.(confusing merchandising schemes)(Brief Article)(Column)

Be forewarned: I'm in a foul mood. America has gotten to me again.

I'm sick of "choices." If one more corporate entity offers me a "choice" between this plan and that plan, I'm going to take to the woods like Thoreau. I don't want to be a "savvy consumer," I don't want to "shop around," I don't want to "do my homework." I don't want to be bothered counting up "smart minutes," "bonus hours," and "saver miles." I don't want rebates, whether in-store or mail-in, and I don't want extended warranties, because that means enduring the clerk's painful memorized recitation. I just want to buy what I need as quickly and simply as possible and then leave. The only discount I'm interested in is the one that was traditionally offered for paying cash, but just try and find it today. It's the only savvy consumer option nobody has ever heard of. If you want to pay cash now, they think you're a drug dealer.

Overcomplicated merchandising originated with airline deregulation. To compete for customers, they offered reduced fares if you embarked at 4 a.m. on odd-numbered Thursdays, stayed 11 days, and returned on even- numbered Tuesdays, but that was child's play compared to the higher mathematics now required to figure out ostensible savings. Take the ad I saw the other day for cell phones. They're offering "Whenever Minutes." You get 2000 Neighborhood Weekend minutes and 600 Nationwide Whenever Minutes, provided-it says in the tiny print at the bottom-you have the right number of plan minutes, promotional minutes, and-my favorite-"roaming charges."

Invariably, as with all tiny print, it also says "coverage not available in all areas" and "additional restrictions may apply." So who among us can figure out what it all means? I'll tell you who: our old friends, the Ignos. It stands to reason that the dumbest people in the country are the ones who have what it takes to plow through all the general-services agreements and consumer pricing plans tucked into our utility bills and bank statements. Only Ignos could read, really read, this stuff and understand what it says, which is one big reason why they never read anything else: A day contains only 24 hours, and savvy consumerism consumes all of it, precluding any other form of knowledge. By now it's second nature. Say "Stonehenge" to an Igno and he will assume it's a new security system with a super introductory offer: Change the locks three times a year on even-numbered Saturdays because you give keys to lovers who turn out to be psychopaths, and you get a discount on replacement sets and ten points toward a free "Rape of the Lock" stalker alarm.

Nothing reinforces my confidence like a stuffy bank, but try and find one nowadays. Mine recently introduced a supposedly select, benefit- laden account for depositors who maintain a certain balance. The only perks that appealed to me were free checks and an extra quarter-point of interest on savings. Since I don't use plastic I was neutral about the credit-card and ATM benefits, but the other come-ons made my stomach knot up: ...