The Long View.(humorous list of drugs to be approved)(Humor)(Brief Article)

The following drugs are awaiting FDA approval. Researchers are invited to submit all relevant clinical data.

shaymitol(tm). Symptoms: multiple, including an inability to refuse an invitation to appear on television; a willingness to live in a completely televised environment; an incapacity to see oneself as ludicrous and/or clown-like; and a compulsion to expose inner thoughts and feelings to as large an audience as possible. Related pathologies include the need to write books detailing career and/or personal failings, incest and/or sexual abuse, and the incompetence of one's parents. Similar pathologies include the need to write books detailing career and/or personal successes, sexual triumphs, and the brilliance with which one raises one's children. Shaymitol(tm) blocks the "broadcast function" of the frontal lobe, creating in the user a sense of the need for privacy and discretion. In smaller doses it is effective in dealing with extremely large people wearing extremely small bathing suits. Side effects: diarrhea, depression. Expected approval: Autumn 2001.

teletaxis(tm). Symptoms: the compulsive use of the telephone to speak in a robotic, programmed tone of voice while attempting to sell inferior and/or unnecessary products. Symptoms include the inability to understand the phrase "I'm not interested, thank you"; the incapacity to break out of the rotely memorized script; the unwillingness or inability to pronounce correctly the simplest, most basic Anglo-Saxon surname; and the need to speak words quickly but without completely understanding what the words mean. Related pathologies include the creation of voice-mail messages, the design of "telephone menus," and the recording of the phrase: "Your call is very important to us. All other customer-service personnel are assisting other customers. Please hold on, and the next available representative will be with you in a moment." Teletaxis(tm) floods the brain with a powerful anti-stimulant designed to suppress the desire, and the ability, to use the telephone in this manner. Side effects: diarrhea, depression. Expected approval: 2004. In clinical trials.

taxitol(tm). Symptoms: an inability or unwillingness to understand the concept of "other people's money," most often found in governmental/bureaucratic communities where there is widespread gathering and use of other people's money. Symptoms include the obsessive/compulsive need to spend such money, the psycho-aggressive behaviors associated with collecting it, and the paranoia resulting in being asked to account for it. Related pathologies in the for-profit sector include: hidden service charges, "processing fees," outrageous shipping-and-handling charges, and the ...