AGONY.(advice column)

Cyber sex kitten

I am an Internet exhibitionist. I chat online for hours and often send strangers sexy pictures of myself via E-mail. I sometimes worry that one of these photos will find its way to someone in my workplace (I'm a corporate attorney). Why do I act in this potentially self-destructive way?

You are right to worry. It is unlikely but possible that one of your colleagues or clients will eventually come across a picture of you online in your undies, which would be embarrassing and profoundly detrimental to your prestige. But that is the worst that will happen: You won't be arrested, and you aren't breaking any law. And as long as you have never used office time or equipment for your fun and games, you probably aren't violating company policy either. But if you are discovered, you have to attempt to make a joke of it and ride the shock wave until it blows over. The way I see it, the greater problem is not the possibility of being caught (the threat of discovery could even be part of your naughty exhibitionistic excitement) but the fact that you are becoming hooked on the computer as a sex toy. When a sex accessory takes center stage and starts to dominate, as I believe this one is starting to dominate you, it becomes dangerous. Why? Because it begins to replace human interactions. In your case, you' ve substituted chat-room affairs for real love. So unplug the damn computer. Go on vacation without it to where there are plenty of men to admire you in the flesh. Fill every spare minute with friends, activities, sports, music, and laughter--in other words, real life. You don't want to wake up one morning full of regrets with only a mouse beside you.

nervous about nooky

The idea of sex is totally terrifying. I've only had one boyfriend, and thinking about doing it with a new guy scares the hell out of me. I'm not an open person and find it awkward to discuss this with men. Now it's hard to even meet them because I'm so apprehensive. What gives?

A little fear of sex is not a bad thing; it can prevent you from leaping prematurely into trouble. Besides, like fear of flying or fear of swimming, fear of sex can be thrilling to get over! However, when understandable fear becomes terror like yours, then there is something amiss and deep-rooted, probably locked in the past and possibly even forgotten, at least on the conscious level. I think you need help to dig out the source of your fear and heal it. Please don't hesitate or think it is weak to seek therapeutic help. On the contrary, it can be the first sign of regaining strength. Just as you would with any other paralyzing condition, find an expert in what ails you soon so you can get on with a happy, active life. Ask your primary-care doctor to recommend a psychotherapist, or look in your city's Yellow Pages for a therapy referral service. Discuss this fear and you may find that it's not as unreasonable as you thought--and learning to face it may be the bravest thing you ever do.

ex angst