Guzzling, Gorgeous & Grand: SUVs and those who love them.(sport utility vehicle drivers meeting the disapproval of other drivers)

Readers of Dickens may occasionally imagine what it might have been like to peer from the guillotine and see Madame Defarge knitting her Book of Sin. One would expect a look of terrifying certitude and ferocity, and while having one's head severed would constitute a profound setback on many fronts, one would at least be without her. As it happens, the old girl has many descendants in our own time, some of whom are glaring at me.

The indictment: Those of us who drive sports utility vehicles are guilty of crimes against fellow drivers, the environment, and world stability. We must be left horseless, if not headless.

This is a terrible turn of events. The fact is, we SUV drivers are peaceful, humble people of modest hopes and dreams, who happen to like driving around in large vehicles, often because they accommodate our heaving guts, which often reflect an infatuation with the handiwork of Harland Sanders and August Busch. Yet when we see ourselves denounced by our detractors, it is as if an alien race were being described.

We readily admit that our Big Rides use a bit more gas than the 48 horsepower vehicles (add 3hp when sails are raised) favored by those who would save the world from us. We are talking about the difference between the 27 miles per gallon average for regular automobiles and the 20 mpg rating of many SUVs. Because global warming is an article of faith among our critics, we're getting additional blame for melting icecaps, flooded coastlines, and the eventual appearance of palm trees in New York City.

We believe these charges are grossly exaggerated, and we also reject the assertion that our beloved tanks are killing machines. Official statistics tell us that around 4 percent of road fatalities are the result of SUV-auto crashes, which is of course terrible, but not all those accidents are our fault. Overall, SUVs are blamed for an additional 2,000 deaths per year, though as journalist Ken Smith has pointed out, that number is entirely speculative and must be taken very lightly.

Our critics are hardly inclined to do so. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, whose calmly sculptured coiffure cannot conceal what some call her Inner Inquisitor, calls us a subspecies of "energy gluttons" and backs legislation that would force us back into the slightly modified go- carts that pass for "mid-sized sedans." Ms. Geneva Overholser, whose placid first name cannot conceal a slightly hectoring personality, has denounced SUVs as "inexplicably popular extravagances" and "nonsensical, gas-guzzling behemoths." Geneva, who was once ombudsman for the Washington Post, even admitted that "I feel like a lunatic about SUVs and I hereby invite you to join me in raving."

A line quickly formed. A. J. Nomai said the SUV "fad" is "all the rage among yuppies, suburban families and seemingly testosterone unbalanced males." Columnist Ellen Goodman called SUVs "gas-guzzling, parking- space-hogging bullies of the highway." Bullying, as we have come to know, was the cause of the Columbine massacre, so this is a serious charge. Ms. Goodman also insists "the SUV backlash is growing so strong that today's status symbols may become the first socially unacceptable vehicle since cars lost their fins."