Why Guys Don't Seem to Listen.(improving communication between men and women)(Brief Article)

To end communication woes, says linguist Deborah Tannen, we need to learn the language of men--and women.

* You've found your soul mate--or thought you bad--yet the longer you're together the more tiffs you seem to be having. What's behind the puzzling pattern? After researching linguistic patterns for 25 years, I can tell you that the source of your frustration may be that men and women can walk away from the same conversation with totally different interpretations of what was said. Here are the four most confusing aspects of guy/girl talk--and how to clear them up.

Can Guys Apologize?

Many small arguments turn into big brawls because the woman doesn't hear three magic words: "I am sorry." An example: One day, Nancy asked Dan to mail a letter for her. He agreed, hut later she found the letter in his car "Oh, I forgot," Dan said casually. Nancy was annoyed that Dan had failed to mail her letter, but she was absolutely furious that he didn't apologize. To Dan, the damage was done--what good would an apology do? But to Nancy, not apologizing means he doesn't care about having let her down. Since women are sensitive to being pushed away, while men are sensitive to being criticized, the more she insists that he apologize, the more he feels she is trying to humiliate him. He could learn to say he's sorry to dispel her anger, or she could forget about hearing the words and look for other signs that he will try to do better in the future.

Complaint Quandaries

Another conversational ritual that women often use but men don't--and therefore misinterpret--is "troubles talk." For instance, Trudy tells Brad that she's aggravated because her boss gave her a job to do at 3 P.M. and wanted it done by 5. "Tell him that you can't do it and he should have given it to you earlier," Brad advises. "I can't tell my boss that," Trudy protests. Now it's Brad who's aggravating her. She wasn't looking for him to fix her problem; all she wanted was something a female friend might supply--reassurance that he understands what she feels. Because Brad isn't familiar with the ritual nature of Trudy's complaints, he takes them literally and thinks she wants advice. The solution is understanding the differences: If you can explain how "troubles talk" works for women your man might start listening--and feel relieved of the burden of finding ...