AGONY.(sex advice column)(Column)

Veggie lover

Recently, I have started to become aroused by vegetables, particularly cucumbers. A trip to the grocery store is an erotic adventure that ends with my heading home to "cook." I'm scared someone will find out. What to do?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume it is not the low calories or high mineral content that turns you on; its the phallic shape of cucumbers and similar produce. I suspect you have not been making satisfying love to the real thing lately. A flesh-and-blood man may not have the dimensions of a vegetable, but his hands, his tongue, and his brain make him more adept at foreplay. Also, he is more likely than a cucumber to make a stab at conversation in the morning. Why don't you invest in a vibrator to see you through this dry patch? It has a longer shelf life and doesn't require refrigeration. Meanwhile, if you're really worried about having your legume lovefests exposed, cure yourself by bypassing the fresh produce and going straight to the frozen foods on grocery-shopping excursions. A few sessions at home wrestling with unthawed asparagus tips, say, should help remedy your unusual fixation...and perhaps encourage you to investigate why this fetish is distracting you from the real thing.

Big o no-show

My fiance won't marry me because I can't orgasm. He doesn't want a wife who can't get excited by him. Can I help him accept that it will probably happen for me someday? Or should I find someone who is more understanding?

Honestly, I would kick the egocentric jerk to the curb because he could help you or at the very least encourage you to seek help and stick with you while you find it. Instead, he has decided to put his own vanity and pleasure ahead of your feelings and wellbeing--and I dare say he always will. Marriage is sharing joys and problems together. Marriage is taking responsibility, not casting blame. Marriage is showing a partner courtesy and understanding, and most of all, marriage is love. And love to a great extent is acceptance--something that this man is not showing you. The first thing to do is decide that you want to orgasm, not for him but for yourself. The best way to begin your quest is to ask a gynecologist if you have any possible physical obstructions to climaxing. If not, you can investigate other roadblocks. Could there be a psychological impediment at work--sexual guilt, for instance? Fear of losing control? Early trauma? Your doctor should be able to recommend a counselor to whom you can unburden your inner fears, if you have any. Meanwhile, be good to your body, pamper it, touch it, encourage any flicker of sexual excitement, and try to reach orgasm through masturbation. If you can climb to that glorious peak on your own, you will know the way and be able to guide a partner there. If this guy is up to the adventure, great. If not, then your task is to accept who you are with or without orgasm and find a man who is generous and loving enough to do the same.

Unjust lust