Parks and Wreck - Against jet skiers, snowmobilers, and other louts.

Bill Clinton is being generously lashed for his efforts on behalf of swindlers, tax cheats, crack merchants, traitors, and other well- connected felons, to the point that it will be a long time before anyone can say "pardon me" without eliciting a smirk, just as it will be a very long time before anyone dares name a daughter Monica.

But in one important area, Clinton resisted the entreaties of an entire army of disreputable persons: those who ride snowmobiles and jet skis. The ex-president had the good sense to ban them from some of America's premier national parks. Unfortunately, the snowmobile industry was able to enlist another group of lowlifes (congressmen) into delaying the Clinton order. The forces of darkness will have two years to maraud while the two sides to this dispute-industry and environmentalists- battle for primacy.

One hates to preach heresy, but perhaps this equation could be shifted a bit. While right-wingers tend to side with industrial interests (so long as the industry is not headquartered in Hollywood), they might consider the merits of opposing the snowmobile/jet ski cartel. And this opposition can be based on truly conservative grounds. Right-wingers are by nature against loud, intrusive, arrogant, reeking, self-centered pests (give or take a few radio personalities). They also believe certain places are appropriate for certain activities-no bus-station sex in the Oval Office, for example-and thus recognize that Mother Nature's bosom is no place for a bunch of motorized louts. Besides that, earning a green credential will gain wingers a measure of political respectability with their children.

All told, there is only one legitimate dog in this fight, and he isn't riding a jet ski.

It is often argued that environmentalists traffic in hysteria. There is some truth to this, as anyone who recalls warnings about the coming ice age (since changed to warnings about global roasting) knows all too well. But there is plenty of guilt to spread around. The industry is doing a lot of mouth-breathing of its own on this issue. "It's a slippery slope," the chief of the International Snowmobile Manufacturers Association told the Los Angeles Times. "If you took out the word 'snowmobile' and put in the word 'automobile,' you would see that they are preparing to remove automobiles in national parks." Meanwhile, jet ski interests warn that the ban on "personal watercraft" is being carried out by "extremists" with a broad agenda: "If the ban is allowed to stand, it is only a matter of time before your favorite activity becomes the target."

Yeah, yeah: Hysteria peddlers we will always have-and the industry's assertions should be taken for nothing more than yacking from special pleaders. Their notion that they represent the common man against elitists is especially daring. The industry's ability to enlist the efforts of two usually pro-enviro Democrats, Rep. David Obey and Sen. Tom Daschle, to overturn the national-park ban indicates a decidedly elitist ability to manipulate the political process.

There is also the fact that one must be something of an elitist (broadly understood) to afford these machines, a fact underscored in the industry's own literature: "The average PWC (personal watercraft) operator is not who you think he is. A study by Bowe Marketing Research revealed that the majority of personal watercraft owners are married with families (71%). The average owner is a middle-aged, highly educated, white-collar worker with extensive boating experience."