Agony.(advice column)(Column)

NINE-TO-FIVE FOUL PLAY

At my last job, my coworkers were constantly hitting on me. I couldn't bring myself to turn them in, so I just quit. Now I have the same problem at my new company. What am I doing to make these guys think I want them?

If you are jumping from job to job because guys are constantly hitting on you, it suggests something more to me than just unbridled male lust. I feel confident that if you truly investigate your own actions, you'll find some murky subconscious tendency toward flirtation that could be a contributing factor to your plight. But rather than blaming yourself, I think you should be proactive and see what you can do to stop it. Your first weapon is indifference: Would-be office Romeos often have short attention spans, and if you do not react in any way--by showing interest, confusion, anger, or embarrassment--they usually give up in a matter of days. Failing that, never forget that office predators do their thing partly to impress the other guys, so the slightest threat of public rejection is usually a sufficient deterrent. Most of them can be scared off with a mildly sarcastic but polite put-down. (Please note the use of the word polite. Especially when someone can affect your work situation, you must tread careful ly and behave more appropriately than he does; this is one case where fighting fire with fire will only backfire.) If indifference and sarcasm don't work, it's time for an honest, cool warning that you will report him (or them) for harassment if the behavior continues. If those jerks still don't stop, turning them in is definitely in order.

INFIDELITY FREAK-OUT

I'm 23 and obsessed with the idea that my new husband will cheat on me. Whenever he is on the phone, I suspect he's talking to a girl. If he leaves the house, I grill him mercilessly when he gets back. I'm afraid that if I keep this up, I'll drive him away, but I don't know how to stop being so wildly jealous. What's the matter with me?

I am taking for granted that your jealousy began with the marriage and is not an old pattern related to long-standing low self-esteem. Assuming your husband is sweet and loving and has given you no reason to doubt his affection for you, the most probable cause of your new jealousy is that you doubt your feelings for him. Is there any chance you wonder now if you were really ready for commitment when you married? You could be using irrational obsessive worrying about his fidelity--in other words, jealousy--to mask deeper and more legitimate worries that you don't want to admit even to yourself. This problem will not go away on its own, and I think you need help to solve it. Seek counseling to investigate your own doubts. If you find they are real, ask your husband to join you--so he can help you move past the pain of constant jealousy.

INSATIABLE SEDUCTRESS