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'The 50 top docs' trumpeted the headline in last week's Times; 'The 50 biggest tits' trumpeted the tabloid on the shelf beside it. Must not get them mixed up, I thought, so I bought both.
I was alarmed that the bloodhounds might have had tracked me down at last (for being a top doc, you understand, not the other things). All these years I've been keeping a low profile in the Irish backwoods, but I guess it couldn't last. Goodbye to the pleasures of the quiet life, I thought.
So I was delighted to find that I was not on the list, but less pleased to note that none of the top 50 were from Northern Ireland (I'm still talking about top docs, I emphasise, not the other …