Hello congressman.(the long view)(Armenian genocide)

Hard to believe it's been almost one year since we here at MessageMassage[TM] helped you and your colleagues get elected to Congress. Yes, 2006 was a historic year for Democrats, and as your political consultants, we'd like to take this opportunity to wish you a very happy anniversary!

Obviously, we're all a little disappointed that one of our major promises--to completely withdraw from Iraq--remains unkept. Likewise our health-care initiatives, defense rollbacks, tax hikes, and assorted other plans.

But as part of our continuing post-election service, the gang here at MessageMassage[TM] has been working with Speaker Pelosi on what we think is a wonderful new tactic, CondemNation[TM].

As many of our California clients are aware, in 1915-1917, the then-collapsing Ottoman Empire conducted a vicious campaign of slaughter and terror against its Armenian population. Although it's too late to do something to save the almost 1.5 million dead, it's not too late to say something. The recent vote in the House of Representatives to condemn the Armenian Genocide[TM] may come 90 years after the Grand Vizier and his dancing boys fled from the confines of the Sublime Porte, but it came just in time to see an uptick in Speaker Pelosi's favorable/nonfavorable rating among her Armenian constituents.

Which got us thinking. History is literally chock-full of all sorts of outrages--rapes, assassinations, famines, you name it!--and as we gear up for another grueling election cycle, it's a wise strategy to analyze your constituent base and match an outrage to condemn.

Not all of you are blessed with a thriving Armenian constituency, with its hot-tempered population still smoldering about the Armenian Genocide[TM]. But a lot of you have Koreans, and the conquest of the ancient Koryo Empire in what is now northern China saw an awful lot of unnecessary bloodshed, even for 6th-century Asia. A resolution condemning China for its part in the illegal conquest could be just the trick to get those Korean numbers up. Not to mention a terrific opener to a fundraising speech at the next Korean Small Business Association Breakfast.

You say you don't have any Koreans in your district, but are lousy with Thais? How about the famous "land grab" circa AD 900, when warlords from what is now Cambodia marauded through what was once part of the King of Siam's non-official protectorate? Perfect for a House resolution condemning the Lotus Flower Kingdom for its actions! No Thais? No problem! How about Italians (the atrocities ...