VEGAS BY VESPA; A van, a plan and a portable can.(News)(Specialty Equipment Market Association)

Byline: MARK VAUGHN

Here are two truths no one wants to admit:

1. The SEMA show is a nightmare.

2. Las Vegas is a crowded, tacky, silly, gawdawful, resource-wasting playground for morons who don't understand math.

That the annual Specialty Equipment Market Association automotive aftermarket show happens in Las Vegas is like the perfect storm of car-business torture and pain. Everybody who goes to SEMA, except for two or three farm-raised yokels with purple billet-shifter kits to peddle, loathes it. Even the guys from SEMA, if they were really honest, would say, "Gawd, I hate that place.'' No one ever admits it, though. They smile huge, 500-watt grins and say to each other, "See ya at SEMA!'' when really they are thinking, "Oh, I would rather stick needles in my eyes.''

So this year, after decades of editor-imposed suffering, we came with a plan. It wouldn't necessarily ease the pain that 2 million square feet of wheeled poor taste on the SEMA show floor inflicts, but it would make the Vegas part bearable. While the suckers, chumps and hicks waited in line for taxis that would then inch along overwhelmingly crowded streets, taking them to receptions they'd rather not attend, hosted by cheeseheads who'd rather not be there, we'd get to those receptions on a Vespa scooter. That's right; Vespa would provide the solution to the Vegas traffic problem.

After hearing our pitch, Vespa supplied a pair of 250-cc, 11.6-hp, four-valve, four-stroke GTVs. If it works for the Romans, it would work for us.