Hillary Equals France.(Hilary Clinton)

Byline: Bill Maher (Maher is the host of HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher.")

New rule: conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word France. Like just calling something French is the ultimate argument winner. "Aw, you want a health-care system that covers everybody and costs half as much? You mean like they have in France? What's there to say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully conceived and brilliantly executed war in Iraq?"

Earlier this year, the Boston Globe got hold of an internal campaign document from GOP contender Mitt Romney, and a recurring strategy was to tie Democrats to the hated French. It said, in the Machiavellian code of the election huckster, "Hillary equals France," and it envisioned bumper stickers that read FIRST, NOT FRANCE.

Except for one thing: We're not first. America isn't ranked anywhere near first in anything except military might and snotty billionaires. The country that is ranked No. 1 in health care, for example, is France. The World Health Organization ranks America at 37 in the world--not two, or five--37, in between Costa Rica and Slovenia, which are both years away from discovering dentistry. Yet an American politician could not survive if he or she uttered the simple, true statement, "France has a better health-care system than us, and we should steal it." Because here, simply dismissing an idea as French passes for an argument.

John Kerry? Can't vote for him--he looks French. Yeah, as opposed to the other guy, who just looked stupid. I know, if God had wanted us to learn from the Enlightenment, he wouldn't have given us Sean Hannity. And I'm not saying France is better than America. Because I assume you've already figured that out by now. I don't want to be French, I just want to take what's best from the French. Stealing, for your own self-interest.

Republicans should love this idea. Taking what's best from the French: You know who else did that? The Founding Fathers. Hate to sink your toy boat, Fox News, but the Founding Fathers, the ones you say you revere, were children of the French Enlightenment, and fans of it, and they turned it into a musical called the Constitution of the United States. And they did a helluva job, so good it has been said that it was written by geniuses so it could be run by idiots.

But the current administration is putting that to the test. The Founding Fathers were erudite, well-read, European-thinking aristocrats--they would have had nothing in common with, and no use for, an ill-read xenophobic bumpkin like George W. Bush. The American ideas of individuality, religious tolerance and freedom of speech came directly out of the French Enlightenment--but, shhh, don't tell Alabama.