When envy eats at a friendship: we tell you how to deal with this ugly emotion before it threatens to come between you and a close pal.(YOU YOU YOU)

* We all know what it's like to feel a little envious: Your coworker scores glowing praise from the boss, your roommate gets invited to Tahiti with her boyfriend's family, your sister finds her size on sale--again. But there's a deeper, more disturbing type of envy many chicks wrestle with.

It's the kind set in motion by the good fortune of a much-loved pal--or what you could call frienvy. And when you act on it, say, by mentally wishing her the worst, criticizing her for behavior you had never faulted her for before, or trying to sabotage her happiness, you're often left with a gripping sense of guilt. "It's no big deal to be envious of acquaintances, but when you feel it for someone you genuinely adore, you become ashamed and confused," explains Darlene Mininni, PhD, author of The Emotional Toolkit. "Moreover, if you're harboring nasty thoughts about her, you may feel like a terrible person for doing it."

Frienvy also cuts the other way: Something awesome happens in your life, and a friend acts standoffish or even antagonistic toward you instead of being psyched. When the tables are turned like this, it can be even more baffling and detrimental to your relationship because you're in the dark. But by understanding frienvy, you'll be much better equipped to deal with the situation no matter which end you're on. Here's how.

When You Feel Frienvious

Regular envy is pretty simple: Someone else has something you want. But frienvy is further fueled by a sense that you've been betrayed. The pal you always thought of as your equal now has a leg up on you--at least that 's how you see it. And that launches a cascade of emotions, like anger and self-pity.

Because you identify so closely with your friends, their successes can seem like real blows, and you may feel abandoned, explains Susie Orbach, PhD, coauthor of Between Women. You wonder, If she and I are so similar, why wasn't it me who found a great new job or landed an awesome guy? "That leaves you second-guessing yourself and feeling threatened, which in turn triggers the guilt and ill will that can harm your relationship," says Orbach.

For Sherri *, 26, a best pal's new beau stirred up her frienvy frenzy. "Amy became serious with a wonderful guy, yet I was still single," she recalls. "I should have been thrilled for her, but I secretly wanted them to break up--so much so, I even hinted to her that he'd been cheating. Totally twisted, right? I soon felt so awful, I invented excuses as to why I couldn't see her, which left her puzzled. It's chipped away at our once-tight friendship."