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Q: Why am I here exactly?
A: You are here because your work leading al-Qaeda forces in Iraq and your commitment to violent acts of terrorism encountered what we in the trade call "push back" from U.S.-led forces based in Iraq, which in turn led to the dropping of two 500-pound bombs on your "safe house" resulting in your death, and subsequent appearance here, in our Facility.
Q: You're telling me that the infidel invaders actually got me?
A: We here in the Facility try not to use loaded, judgmental terms. Yes, you were "gotten," but try, if you can, to shed yourself of the prejudices and categories of your past. Your time here in the Facility will be a lot more enjoyable and life-transforming if you enter into the spirit of open, loving, and all-embracing inquiry.
Q: I didn't think that heaven was going to be like this.
A: Why don't we table that one for a moment, if you don't mind. Are there any other questions?
Q: Okay, I've got one. From here, can I see the future?