DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR; Life as Porsche non-owners.(News)

Byline: MAC MORRISON

No substitute, eh? Porsche's long-standing slogan took up permanent residence in your author's then-nine-year-old brain back in the mid-'80s, courtesy of Risky Business. First, Tom Cruise (impossible to believe now) was cool. And he spouted the tag line after driving that 928 to outrun Joe Pantoliano. Call girl Rebecca De Mornay was most impressed. No surprise to sports car enthusiasts; as the late Leon Mandel, AutoWeek's publisher at the time, once said, "I bought a Porsche... and got a life.''

Twenty years later, the AW staff got a life too, in the form of a basalt black metallic 997 Carrera S. Twelve months, 28,000 miles. No one crashed. No one went to jail. Everyone complained I had the keys too often. Here's the full story:

May 13, 2005: We pick up the car. It is flawless, equipped with every option requested: Sport exhaust, seats and shifter. Sport Chrono package. The bad news: a 2000-mile break-in period. No revving past 4200 rpm, no full-throttle launches. Back at AW HQ, I still manage to incur the boss' ire after he catches me speeding. In the parking garage. It is Friday the 13th. An ominous beginning.

May 24, 2005: News editor Bob Gritzinger travels from Detroit to Chicago and back, piling on 900 miles. He is annoyed to find the engine has no oil dipstick; you check the oil electronically via the IP display. The process takes only five minutes or less in warm weather, but will often take twice as long when winter rolls in.

Senior editor Kevin Wilson takes command and promptly joins the chorus of editors who are blasting me for ordering a black car that shows dirt. He also notes, "We have no nav system in a $90,000 car, but the buttons for "navi'' and "map'' are still on the display screen. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that we didn't order nav, or that Porsche leaves the buttons on the dash to taunt you with the options you didn't buy.''

June 14, 2005: The Carrera picks up a nail in one of its rear tires. There is no spare. Road test editor Natalie Neff removes the flat and supports the car's left rear on a cinder block, of all things: 911 meets trailer park.