Ask your mental health practitioner!(the long view)

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Dear Mental Health Practitioner,

I am a fairly high-ranking official with the World Bank. Recently, the current president of the United States nominated a totally unacceptable person to be the new head of our organization. The person he nominated--a prominent neoconservative--is widely credited with being the architect of America's disastrous invasion of Iraq, as well as its bellicose stance toward the nations of Iran, Syria, and North Korea. Given that the World Bank is an effective and crucial international institution, and given that I will have to report to this person on a weekly if not daily basis, I'm wondering which specific anti-anxiety medication you recommend.

The Mental Health Practitioner Responds:

Well, first, you're to be commended for realizing that your situation requires immediate and powerful medication. A new boss is always a significant stressor even in the best of circumstances, and this certainly isn't one of those! Your work, though, probably involves a fair amount of travel and a high level of entertaining, and for this reason I suggest looking into some kind of fast-acting anti-anxiety agent, like Seredyn. As a side note, your work with the World Bank probably involves an elevated level of naturally occurring hallucination and fantastical mental imagery. Be aware that the introduction of any form of psychopharmacology into the specific mental environment that allows you to perceive your work at the World Bank as "effective" or "crucial" may alter that environment, and that perception. Please see your doctor before beginning any course of medication.

Dear Mental Health Practitioner,

Until recently, I was a prominent anchorman on the evening news program of a well-known broadcast network. A few weeks ago, I stepped down from that lofty position. During the first week, I spent time catching up with old friends, exploring the world of Chinese wok cookery, re-reading old college notebooks, and making to-do lists. During the second week, though, I realized that I was avoiding dealing with a lot of my mental-health issues, and that I had spent the previous few decades sweeping a lot of frankly weird behavior under the rug. Now, as the third week of not being a network anchor begins, I'm finally starting to have me take care of me, if you see what I mean, and to understand just how many forces and beings and voices there are out there trying to destroy me. To that end, two questions: One, after lining the rooms of my home with tin foil, is it also necessary to line the inside of my cowboy hat with similar material? Assuming, of course, that I keep to my current habit ...