Count me out.(The Straggler)(filling in the national census)

I TOOK against the census form right away. It arrived with the lunchtime mail on a day when I was even more behind than usual with writing assignments. THE AMERICAN COMMUNITY SURVEY, it declared itself at the head of Page 1 of 24, every page dense with text and boxes to be filled out or checked.

A covering letter signed by one Charles Louis Kincannon, Director, U.S. Census Bureau, explained that this survey "collects critical up-to-date information used to meet the needs of communities across the United States. For example, results from this survey are used to decide where new schools, hospitals and fire stations are needed." Isn't this the kind of thing that American communities have traditionally decided for themselves? What business is it of Uncle Sam where my suburban township locates its fire station? And doesn't American English prefer "firehouse" to "fire station," actually? After a moment or two of cogitation, I threw the thing in the trash.

It came back, of course, like the Monster from the Black Bog. Three weeks later there it was in the mailbox again. The covering letter this time affected an air of injured puzzlement. "I asked you to help us with this very important survey by completing it and mailing it back. But, we have not received it yet," chid Mr. Kincannon. Then, with a note of sternness: "You are required by U.S. law to respond to this survey."

On this particular day I was slightly ahead of the game on writing assignments, or at least not so far behind as to be in my customary condition of quivering panic, so I started in on filling out the thing. Names, dates of birth, marital status--then, right on Page 3, the races we Derbyshires consider ourselves to belong to. I scrutinized the options. "Guamanian"? "Hawaiian"? Are they really races? I consulted my 1965 copy of Carleton S. Coon's The Living Races of Man. Professor Coon does not list "Guamanian." Perhaps racial science has advanced into new fields of classification since 1965. "Hawaiian" is there all right, though the author notes that: "Persons who call themselves 'Hawaiians' are of 8.5 percent Caucasoid and 13.7 percent Chinese ancestry . . ." Fascinating stuff, this race business.

On to Page 5. IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS, what was the cost of water and sewer for this house, apartment, or mobile home? I have no clue. Should I hunt through my records and add up the numbers? I hazard a guess and press on. By the time I get to Page 11 (What time did this person usually leave home to go to work LAST WEEK?) I have lost the will to live. I put the American Community Survey aside . . . where, so far, it has stayed for the past two weeks. Am I falling down on my civic duty here? I consulted the ever helpful readers of National Review Online, and as usual got a full spectrum of opinions. Reader Aadvised me that he had similarly procrastinated with the Short Form in the last full census, until eventually the Bureau sent agents round to his home to sit down ...