Looking Sideways at Merlot.

Byline: Gersh Kuntzman

Film snobs were happy that "Sideways" was nominated for this year's best picture. It's a terrific movie, with juicy performances, robust characters and silky nuances. And the actors aren't bad, either.

With all respect to Paul Giamatti, Virginia Madsen and Thomas Haden Church, the real star is the wine. The buddy film (featuring two college pals on a road trip through the vineyards of Santa Barbara, California) is so steeped in vinicultural lore that I left the cinema actually wanting to meet an oenophile.

Never mind if that's a French word for "jerk." The important thing is when the Giamatti character (a failed novelist to whom I can relate) launches a tirade against a brand of red hooch known as merlot. About to hook up with a wine-loving babe, he tells his pal: "If anyone orders merlot, I'm leaving. No going to the dark side." He then proclaims his true love: pinot noir--a different grape, I gather. Sales of "pinot" have since soared, while merlot tanks.

I know nothing about wine. But with the Oscars coming up, I thought I'd better get to the bottom of this pinot-merlot controversy. Here's my report, conducted with the help of some of New York's best sommeliers (a French word for "guys who pour journalists free wine").

After three days of nonstop drinking, my first finding is that I have acquired a French accent. Ha, ha. Actually it's this: Ze wine, she is a mercurial lover. One minute, she iz seducing you with the earthy loaminess of her loins and oaken aroma of her underbrush, ze next she iz indulging you with ze plummy depths of her fruity bosom, ze delectable wantonness of her concupiscence enveloping you with ze fruits from her tree.

In other words, wine is a big hoax. Sure, Miles (the Giamatti character) would have you ...