Semirara Mining Corp.

(From Philippine Daily Inquirer)

Byline: Ron Nathan

THERE have not been any jokes for the past two weeks, and although I would prefer to be a straight writer, many readers feel otherwise, so I will tell you a little about my trip to Thailand. We flew on Christmas Day so the airplane was only half filled and we were upgraded. Nevertheless, we were only served plane food. I heard on cable TV that American pilots sometimes got drunk before takeoff and that one had been apprehended highly intoxicated just as he staggered to the cockpit.

So I was quite alarmed when a slurry voice announced, "This is your Captain speaking. Will the passengers please refrain from sticking their arms or legs out of the windows while the plane is in flight. We hope you have a pleasant fright." To make matters worse, the airsick bags had the Lord's prayer printed on them. We tried to get off, but the plane was already in the air. Fortunately, the co-pilot was sober and we landed safely.

Bangkok is very much like Metro Manila, a sprawling metropolis of 10 million people with traffic jams to match. The main difference is that it has 26,000 Buddhist temples, known as WATS. The most beautiful is the King's Palace, which is magnificent. There is no guide to all these temples so I am compiling a What's WAT in Bangkok.

We stayed in a huge 38-storey hotel. It was so big that if you called the reception desk, it was charged as a long-distance call. Security was so tight that Room Service was unlisted. Next day, we were off to Pattaya, not Phuket, as originally intended. It was there that I had foot massage and acupressure, which resulted in a complete cure. My wife watched to make sure that the girls did not massage above my knee. She is such a spoilsport.

We went night shopping in PATPONG market, the red light district. I am happy to announce that the sex industry is thriving and I think that is how BANGKOK got its name. My wife went into a sex shop to buy a vibrator. "I would like to buy that large red one hanging on the wall," she said. "I am sorry," replied the manager, "but that's the fire extinguisher." Going home through immigration, she filled in the card and where it said sex, she wrote "infrequently."