Private View: Gerry Moira, a freelance writer, model, whatever.

It's a creative team's dream. You are being given a charity brief. This one's from the RSPCA. They want us all to use quieter fireworks (bear with me, it's a dream). Apparently, thousands of our four-legged friends have to be sedated every year and it's time some creative awards were won on their behalf. You smile, your nostrils flare imperceptibly, it's gong time! The distinctive aroma of nervous planner has barely cleared from your office and already you're reaching for your trusty golf-bag of creative tricks. Instinctively, your hand hovers over the striking image of the King Charles Spaniel with a rocket up its arse.

You look along the shaft of this powerful weapon of mass communication. You feel the heft. It feels right. Goddamnit, it looks right on the page. There's real fear and bewilderment in the startled animal's eyes but, of course, you can only see gold.You consider the superfluity of a headline but then divine inspiration strikes and almost involuntarily, you find your hand penning the one-word clincher. 'BASTARDS,' reads the headline above the impaled beast.

You are spent. With trembling hand, you put the masterpiece away in a locked drawer for 'pulling out of the hat' three weeks hence. Your work here is done and, slightly giddy with your own genius, you totter off to lunch. It may only be pasta at the local Italian but in your dream, you're already dining on glory at the Grosvenor House.

Sadly this solid gold Gold will never see the light of day as the real creative team has, perhaps shrewdly, gone for the short money and the drug-induced typography award instead.

The models in the new Clarks TV spot are also having a laugh and, one suspects, it's a bigger laugh than we the viewers at home are enjoying.

But that's models for you, they pout, they laugh and, er ... that's it. I'm a big fan of this 'cat walk of real life' campaign but I suspect there might come a point where anti-fashion just becomes non-fashion.

A perfectly good product-led idea is overwhelmed by a Giant Metaphor in the frozen food aisle of a Somerfield supermarket. The theme is one of instant gratification but the image of a naked baby splatting down into a trolley of groceries (think Caesarean Salad) left me and a million housewives too traumatised to take in the message about cash points or point cash or whatever.