PRIVATE VIEW: Trevor Beattie is the chairman and creative director of TBWA\London.(advertising analysis)

Let's talk about stains. Yours. Your deep down dirrrty grubby soily slimy understains. What's your favourite? In fact, which of the vile little beauties would make your Top 99? Sounds like a daft question? Snot. The Surf Guarantee promises to 'remove 99 Top Stains or your money back'.

Trouble is, that's just about all I understand from this commercial. I don't get why they based the whole thing on the removal of 'coloured chalk stains'. Or where chalk figures in the 99. Or why they paid Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen real actual money to be in it. Or why he exists. Or who the (double straight man) comedy duo are who present it. Or whether there are another 98 commercials in the series. Or anything, really. Sorry.

Skid marks out of ten? It's a …