Esquire articles from May 2005

Esquire archives from May 2005

"Entertain like a real man" sweepstakes.(StYLE AGENDA)(Advertisement)
May 1, 2005... Be the host of the evening when you and your friends enjoy a private dinner at the Esquire Downtown Apartment in New York City. This over-the-top 5,500 square foot bachelor pad will come with a private chef who will cater to your every culinary...

Kenneth Cole New York.(StYLE AGENDA)(Advertisement)
May 1, 2005... Esquire partnered with Harper's Bazaar magazine to create an exciting sales incentive program for Kenneth Cole New York sales associates. Hector Garcia of the Kenneth Cole Soho store in New York City is the grand prize-winner of a getaway for...

Arrive like you mean it.(StYLE AGENDA)(Advertisement)
May 1, 2005... Lincoln invites you to Travel Well in its newest expression of luxury and capability. Introducing the all-new 2006 Lincoln Mark LT--so luxurious, you'll be tempted to pamper it. So powerful, you'll be tempted not to. Visit lincoln.com and...

Environmentalists honored.(BY INVITATI ONLY)
May 1, 2005... The Esquire House was the setting for the 2nd annual Oceana awards gala. Over 500 guests joined in toasting Julie Packard of the Monterey Bay Aquarium, Rick Nicita of Creative Artists Agency and Dian Ogilvie of Toyota Motor Sales. All three...

Esquire gets physical: restless man day at The Esquire House Los Angeles.(BY INVITATI ONLY)
May 1, 2005... Health and fitness fanatics descended on The Esquire House for one exhilarating afternoon and informative evening. The day started off with kickboxing, power yoga and fitness assessments from Equinox Fitness Clubs. That evening, nutritional...

Dockers shirts.(StYLE AGENDA)(Advertisement)
May 1, 2005... Our legendary Nice Pants have finally met their match. Presenting Dockers shirts. They're comfortable. They look great. And with Stain Defender[R], No Wrinkles and ColorBond[R], they're nice shirts that stay that way. For information on where...

In honor of the Oris Frank Sinatra limited edition Jazz watch.(StYLE AGENDA)(Advertisement)
May 1, 2005... Come to the Tourneau Time Machine on 57'" Street in New York City every Tuesday in June from 12-2 for free lunchtime Jazz concerts featuring some of your favorite jazz artists from WBGO 88.3FM radio. There will also be an exhibit of rare and...

A.testoni limited edition blue alligator man-bag.(StYLE AGENDA)(Advertisement)
May 1, 2005... To celebrate the opening of a.testoni's third retail location in the US at The Forum Shops in Las Vegas, a.testoni has designed a limited edition blue alligator all-purpose man-bag. Inside, exists a compartment for credit cards, pens and a...

The sound and the fury.(Letter to the Editor)
May 1, 2005... DARK, MYSTERIOUS, AND VEILED partially in smoke, Oscar-nominated actor Clive Owen confidently flaunted his signature style on the March cover. Inside, we offered up some tips to help you with yours ("The New Laws of Fashion"). Also, John H....

Fashion forward.(Letter to the Editor)
May 1, 2005... As a public service, we laid down fifty new style rules. Then we taught you how to break them. Your new laws were great. However, I must take exception to number 49. As a child of the '80s, I can tell you that nothing screams...

Gustatory gusto.(Letter to the Editor)
May 1, 2005... In a special food package ("Esquire Eats America"), we explored the tastiest treats across the country, joined food deconstructionist Wylie Dufresne in the kitchen, and gave mouthwatering recipes for the six greatest breakfasts known to man....

Answer Fella's ego boost of the month.(THE SOUND AND THE FURY)(Letter to the Editor)
May 1, 2005... Responding in September to a question about whether in-flight safety announcements really needed to be heeded, AF gave those reclined-seat, non-stored-tray-table, FAA-rules-flaunting bastards the lambasting they deserve. Guess who noticed. ...

Lessons in survival.(Letter to the Editor)
May 1, 2005... Tom Junod's interview of Scott Sands, who has Duchenne muscular dystrophy, touched some hearts and changed at least one man's parking practice (What I've Learned). Just wanted to thank--applaud--Tom Junod for his gracious, uplifting...

Coming up short.(Letter to the Editor)
May 1, 2005... I have to wonder how much more money Ken Kurson will need to borrow to cover his horrifically poor decision to short Apple at a split-adjusted $32.50 (The Portfolio), when as of now the stock is trading at $43. Not only did Kurson do all of his...

Ice-T still has fans?(Letter to the Editor)
May 1, 2005... In John Mayer's March column (Music Lessons, Man at His Best), he gives Jay-Z credit for the lyric "I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one." That particular lyric first appeared on Ice-T's 1993 album Home Invasion. As a longtime fan of Ice-T,...

Funny * joke from a beautiful woman.(MANatHisBEST)(Brief Article)
May 1, 2005... As told by SHARIN FOO, rocker Bono and guitarist the Edge are in a plane crash and end up standing in front of God. who is seated on his giant white throne. God asks them the same question. First, he turns to the Edge. "Edge, tell me what...

Attacking the clones: who's responsible for big-budget Hollywood dreck? This critic blames you (and this magazine) and calls for drastic action.(Movies)(Star Wars: Episode III; Revenge of the Sith)
May 1, 2005... SO THIS ORDINARY, MIDDLE-CLASS American male walks into a bar. "Gimme a beer, whatever you have on tap," he says, slapping down a fiver. The bartender, smiling, reaches below the bar, audibly unzips his fly, and a moment later produces a tall...

Q+A: Charles Ross, a faraway galaxy unto himself.(Movies)(Interview)
May 1, 2005... GROWING UP in northern Canada with poor television reception forced young Charles Ross to watch videotapes, mostly of the Star Wars variety. By age ten he'd seen the first film more than 400 times and committed virtually every line to memory....

The rules.(movies)
May 1, 2005... RULE NO. 68: Desperate housewives don't look like that RULE NO. 732: You gotta know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em and when to stop quoting Kenny Rogers during poker games, RULE NO. 1,123: The house blend is always hotter than the...

Whiskey. And a side of beer. A rigorous, scientific study involving ale, lager, pilsner, stout, whisky, and whiskey.(Drinking)
May 1, 2005... WE'VE BEEN HEARING a lot of palaver lately about the new bourgeois sport of "doing pairings." It's not what you think; it's the far less amusing pas time of competitively picking the precise wine that best accompanies a given bit of food. Match...

The fearless five: we sent out invites to play our stage at the nation's biggest music festival, and these artists weren't afraid to say yes.(Music)(Sound Recording Review)
May 1, 2005... WHEN ESQUIRE searched for five bands to grace our very own stage at this year's South by Southwest (the nation's largest music festival) in Austin, we needed artists with heavyweight backbones. Months before they'd release new material, they'd...

This month's lesson: my travel secrets.(MUSIC LESSONS with John Mayer)
May 1, 2005... HAVING BEEN ON TOUR for the last four years straight, I've developed tactics for surviving on the road. They're my trade secrets, but you don't have to be a professional musician to reap their benefits. Just do me a favor: When you're done...

How to make enemies with math.(Freakonomics)(Book Review)
May 1, 2005... ECONOMIST STEVEN LEVITT is callous and coldhearted. Conventional wisdom and political correctness be damned; he believes in numbers. And here's what the numbers tell him: Guns are safe, "good parenting" is irrelevant, and Molly is the whitest...

Things a man should not read.
May 1, 2005... The novelization of The Chronicles of Riddick. The ingredients of bratwurst. The Art of Auto-Fellatio: Oral Sex for One. Chain e-mails. The V Book: A Doctor's Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health. Us Weekly, especially in public. His father's...

Big excerpt of the month.(The Coast of Akron )(Excerpt)
May 1, 2005... AS ESQUIRE'S literary editor, Adrienne Miller has published fiction by the likes of Arthur Miller, George Saunders, and Tim O'Brien. And now she has completed a novel of her own, The Coast of Akron (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, $25), the dazzling...

Time saver: the Breitling Emergency watch is the one lifesaving gadget this director never, ever takes off.(The Digital Man)
May 1, 2005... EVERY TIME I GET OFF AN AIRPLANE, I view it as a failed suicide attempt. Here's what happened to me six years ago and why I now wear the Breitling Emergency watch at all times. Having known most of my life that I was destined to die in a plane...

The indefensible position: road rage is good for humanity.(Society)(Brief Article)
May 1, 2005... I am the sword of petty vengeance. I honk, sneer, curse, flip the bird, and try to block drivers who use the shoulder to sleaze past traffic. I will taunt you as you sit, stunned, in the smoke from the air bags that deployed during the accident...

Q+A: Benny Paret Jr.(Society)(Interview)
May 1, 2005... RING OF FIRE, a new documentary codirected by New York PR guru Dan Klores (who reps Esquire) and advertising chief Ron Berger, recounts the life story of Emile Griffith, the former welterweight champion best known for his fateful 1962 tithe...

Things we won't be covering this month.(Society)
May 1, 2005... Pornstar Pets, a documentary on the dogs, cats, and other animals owned by adult-film stars. Toilet Trees, "designed to help turn any ugly bathroom plunger into a decorative, healthy plant/ tree stand." The World Ceramic Biennale in Seoul,...

Find the shirt that fits: it's not as hard as it used to be.(Style)
May 1, 2005... Sometimes it pays to be average. The great egalitarian principle of off-the-rack clothing regular fit at a regular price--puts the average-sized guy with, say, a 15-inch neck and a 33-inch sleeve square in fashion's strike zone. But no matter...

Style secret of the month: vanishing cuffs.(Style)(Brief Article)
May 1, 2005... BY NOW YOU KNOW that your cuffs should protrude about three quarters of an inch from your jacket sleeve. It's getting them to stay there that's the tricky part. Disappearing cuffs afflict the best of us. Even that great cuff muddler himself,...

The problem: I'm losing my hair. And it makes me sad.(Maintenance)(Brief Article)
May 1, 2005... Rodney's solution: The only dignified way to deal with balding or thinning hair is to learn to live with it. Nay, learn to love it. Confidence (and a good cut) is more attractive than any treatment. Trying to conceal it will only draw...

Scent of a woman. Also, a man.(Maintenance)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
May 1, 2005... FASHION HAS BECOME so androgynous that sometimes it'll take us 30 minutes and two pairs of jeans before we realize we've actually been browsing in the ladies' section. With Giorgio Armani's four new Prive fragrances ($185 per bottle), you won't...

The Mailman's motto, sneezing & anthrax omelettes.(Answer Fella)
May 1, 2005... Esquire's answer Fella believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid people who don't ask questions, fearing they'll look stupid. So ask Answer Fella anything. If he doesn't know the answer, he'll find out who does or who has a...

The pants that changed the world: a celebration of history's most enduring pair of trousers.(THE ESQUIRE CATALOG)(jeans)
May 1, 2005... [Jeans Anatomy] THE FIFTH POCKET Jeans just don't look right without a fifth pocket--a safe, snug place to store beer money. CAT'S WHISKERS A recently added weathering technique, cat's whiskers are the radial lines emanating...

The (other) paradox of choice: we live in an orgy of cultural variety. And orgies are good, right? Orgies are fun. But how will we feel in the morning?(Chuck Klosterman's America)
May 1, 2005... I WAS DISMAYED WHEN JOHNNY CARSON died in January. I usually don't care when celebrities die, but I was affected by this one. And it wasn't so much that I was saddened by Johnny's passing, since he seems to have lived a pretty decent life. What...

In praise of the 'Tweener.(Chuck Klosterman's America)(college basketball)(Brief Article)
May 1, 2005... Ever since the end of the John Wooden era (and maybe even before that), the single most important aspect of college basketball has not been coaching or execution or discipline. It has been recruiting. You can't win without talent. However,...

Do you tip a hooker? How much? A flat fee? A percentage?(Sex)
May 1, 2005... Wait, I know this one: It's tip a hooker, feed a fever. Or is it tip a cold, starve a hooker? Thankfully, there is a book about everything. In Etiquette for Outlaws, authors Rob Cohen and David Wollock tell us to think of it like restaurant...

The overstimulated girl.(The Better Man)(Product/Service Evaluation)
May 1, 2005... THE OVERSTIMULATED GIRL: Spinach alternative of the Month So, had your five servings of cruciferous and leafy veggies today? Yeah, me neither. And I don't realty plan to tomorrow, either, which is why I've started tossing a scoop of Miracle...

A book for your body.(You: The Owner's Manual; An Insider's Guide to the Body that Will Make You Healthier and Younger )(Book Review)(Brief Review)
May 1, 2005... Esquire contributor Dr. Mehmet Oz (who moonlights as a heart surgeon) has somehow found the time to cowrite You: The Owner's Manual--An Insider's Guide to the Body that Will Make You Healthier and Younger (HarperCollins, $25). Imagine Your Body...

On patience.(30 Second Sermon)(George Foreman)(Brief Article)(Interview)
May 1, 2005... I WAS TWENTY-TWO when I was preparing to fight Joe Frazier for the heavyweight title in Jamaica. I was so focused that during roadwork, I didn't even notice that the water next to me was clear and blue. I fought with that same intensity--and in...

Absurdly grueling workouts: with modified versions for you lightweights.(THE BETTER MAN)
May 1, 2005... > THE PRINCETON CREW QUINTATHLON This exercise in masochism was conceived by Glenn Ochal, a Princeton frosh from Philly. One day during his winter break, Ochal rowed twelve miles on the Schuylkill, then biked seventeen miles, then ran a...

My neighborhood: where I, live, you're either an assault-rifle-totin' redneck or a buggy-ridin' pacifist. Somehow, it works.(Nation)(Column)
May 1, 2005... GOING TO BIG JAKE'S HILLTOP TRAILER in the dark, on foot, is definitely a mistake-especially in a long, dark coat and a low-slung hat, on a rainy night when no one with honest business would be walking through the woods. I can see Airie,...

Fifteen things you don't know about women.(Brief Article)
May 1, 2005... 1. Don't ever stop making that breathy little noise you make when you see us naked. 2. Yes, we would have a threesome with Angelina Jolie. 3. To all the guys we see going to the gym every single day: We know you have a tiny peep. ...

The restless man.(Real Adventures for REGULAR GUYS)
May 1, 2005... THIS MONTH: Biking the Badlands WHERE: A couple hours from Bismarck, North Dakota DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: Fat, four-eyed Teddy tasted three gears out here. You can handle a week on a bike. COST OF FIVE-DAY ADVENTURE: $1,175 ...

The restlessman: gear.(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
May 1, 2005... BIKE Specialized Epic Comp. The handlebars are positioned to put you at the best angle for climbs, and the rear shock, dubbed the Brain, has a sensor that kicks it in only when needed. With a bicycle this efficient, you'll appreciate not...

The erection seat.(THE RestlessMAN)(bicycle seats)(Brief Article)(Product/Service Evaluation)
May 1, 2005... It's designed to save you from the fate of Bob Dole and Rafael Palmeiro. We gave it a test ride. The most impressive, or maybe disturbing, claim of the new Body Geometry Rival MTB seat from 5pecialized ($85; specialized.com) is that it...

All about Eva: the complete guide to women 2005: nine months ago, you'd never heard of her. Now you can't get enough of her. After the next five minutes, you'll know her better than you know your girlfriend.(Eva Longoria)(Interview)
May 1, 2005... Eva Longoria is one of the five women on ABC's Desperate Housewives, which journalists must, by federal Law, call the Hottest Show on Television. If you haven't noticed her, she plays the startlingly attractive, gardener-seducing Gabrielle...

The Global survey of the female species: in which we discover, among other things, that Australian, Israeli, and Brazilian women rock.(Women 2005)
May 1, 2005... METHODOLOGY The Global Survey of the Female Species was conducted through 15 international editions of Cosmopolitan.com from February 7 to March 8. More than 11,000 women participated. Their average age was 22, and 65 percent were single. ...

One man's limited experience with the women of the world.(Brief Article)(Column)
May 1, 2005... I'M AN AVERAGE GUY. In every way. Average. So when I say that I have slept with two Frenchwomen in my life and both of them made me stop during lovemaking because I was too big, welt, I say it with a grain of salt. I figure they weren't really...

My (favorite) parts: three proud women celebrate their own finest feature(s).(Women 2005)
May 1, 2005... My Neck By Stacey Grenrock Woods I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: All the good body parts must have been taken. And they were. But I'd still have picked "neck." It's not that I'm some sort of neck person, or that "neck person" is even a...

The totally legitimate lingerie preview '05: the experts have been consulted. The trends have been spotted. Please do not let the gorgeous women wearing these camisoles and thongs distract you from the real journalism contained herein.(Women 2005)
May 1, 2005... Trend: Deep Colors Sources at the highest levels of intimate apparel have confirmed that there will indeed be an influx of "very yummy colors." Says Karyn Monget, intimates editor at Women's Wear Daily: "At the Paris shows, it was a whole...

Employee (of the) month: the relationship between a man and his (cute, adoring) female assistant can be...complicated. Still. This is extreme.(Women2005)(Column)
May 1, 2005... So I thought it would be funny to give my boyfriend a blow job in the handicap bathroom at work. lie concurred. We picked a time with low hallway traffic, snuck in one by one, and had a blast. (Yes, the handrail was helpful.) Afterward, I...

The Esquire quiz: the inner lives of women: think you know your females? Answer these questions and find out once, and for all. Warning: it is entirely possible to do too well on this quiz.(Women 2005)
May 1, 2005... 1 Which of the following is not a Lifetime Original Movie? (A) Fifteen and Pregnant (B) Her Best Friend's Husband (C) When Husbands Cheat (D) After the Rain: The Jasmine Guy Story (E) Dangerous Evidence; The Lori Jackson ...

Jerry Stiller: actor, 78, New York City.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
May 1, 2005... --Never go for the punch line. There might be something funnier on the way. --It can make you sad to look at pictures from your youth. So there's a trick to it. The trick is not to look at the later pictures. --Money is sensual. Every...

A perfectly understandable mistake: the true story of the albino raccoon, the pig framer, and the only nuclear bomb ever to be dropped on America.
May 1, 2005... Soybeans scatter. The pig framer is attempting to move thirty thousand pounds of soybeans from his grain bin into the back of a truck. He's using two machines to do this. The first machine spins an auger that pulls soybeans out of the bin and...

21st century rock: Chuck Klosterman celebrates twenty-one high-quality albums from the past three years (in no particular order).
May 1, 2005... I listen to modern rock 'n' roll music. This is because I don't have a real job. [paragraph] People who have real jobs don't listen to contemporary rock music. People who have real jobs watch network TV and go to sleep; that's pretty much their...

The story of Cadillac Man and the land of the lost souls: the author lives under a viaduct in Queens, New York, and is one of an estimated five hundred thousand homeless veterans in America today. He has decided to leave an account of his life and times.(Short Story)
May 1, 2005... You do get used to the rats. One thing they always tell you when you're sleeping out is make sure you wash your hands and face. And this one particular night I didn't and I also had a sandwich in my pocket, a peanut butter sandwich, and I...

The Ol' ball & chain: she's lied for you, laughed at your jokes, and even exaggerated your manhood to her friends. You owe her a night out, in spring's newest party clothes.(Style)
May 1, 2005... MATTHEW GUBLER (actor and filmmaker) AND KEMP MUHL (model). On Matthew: Two-button cotton corduroy jacket ($1,990) and linen trousers ($490) by Gucci; silk shirt ($780) by Hermes; python loafer's ($1,295) by Michael Kors. On Kemp: Dress and...