Esquire articles from July 2008

Esquire archives from July 2008

Jessica Simpson might have been nude and shaving on the May cover, but what moved you most was something else: the transfer home of a fallen young soldier, Sergeant Joe Montgomery.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Table)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT: 60% Sergeant Joe Montgomery 15% Exercise guru Don Wildman 8% Skills a man should know 4% Finding the right suit 19% How Jessica Simpson is "pure sex" 1% How...

A soldier's final journey.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Letter to the editor)
July 1, 2008... In the May issue, writer at large Chris Jones retraced the path of the body of Army Sergeant Joe Montgomery, from the field in Iraq where he was killed by an IED to his funeral in Indiana ("The Things That Carried Him"). I was just a baby...

One inspiring codger.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Letter to the editor)
July 1, 2008... Alongside Drs. Mehmet Oz and Michael Roizen's one-week guide to healthier living ("Retool, Reboot, Rebuild, "May) was Susan Casey's profile of Don Wildman, the world's healthiest seventy-five-year-old (in our estimation, at least) and the...

Numbers 76 and 77: plant a tree, buy new condoms.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Letter to the editor)
July 1, 2008... In honor of our 75th anniversary, writer at large Tom Chiarella enumerated "The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master" (May). In an age of worldwide deforestation, the assertion that a man should know how to chop down a tree is typical of your...

Signs your suit do fit.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... Your list of "Signs Your Suit Don't Fit" (Man at His Best, May) said we should go clown a jacket size if the sleeves are too long, and two if the jacket is too full. I think those two situations should generally be fixed by tailoring. A more...

Voula's boss's birthday: gifts (nearly) as good as esquire.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Buyers guide)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... Is Esquire a good gift for my boss for his birthday? VOULA KONSTANTARAKIS Las Vegas, Nev. Of course it is. But in case you don't agree, we found some other suggestions of similarly sensible price.--Editors [ILLUSTRATION...

The end of fire.(EDITOR'S LETTER)
July 1, 2008... STRANGE AS IT MAY SOUND in the time of four-dollar gas, we will soon be living in the golden age of energy. It recently struck me that, for the first time in our history, everything is possible with regard to energy. And we're facing an energy...

Select anecdotes from three separate e-mails from Meg Levitt.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Letter to the editor)
July 1, 2008... Regarding the Angry German's comments on women loving British accents (Man at His Best, May), I used to date an English guy with a Cockney accent. One day he said he had to go back to England because his father was being inducted into the House...

Readers teaching readers.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Letter to the editor)
July 1, 2008... To those who followed your advice to buy a pull-up bar ("Retool, Reboot, Rebuild," May) but are unable to do a pull-up or a chin-up, here is how I did my first one at age forty-four: Stand on a chair with your chin above the bar. With your arms...

Those responsible: Stephen Marche.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] Stephen Marche loves MTV's The Hills. We'd make fun of him, but he also has a Ph.D. in early modern drama; clearly he deserves an indulgence. Besides, his competing tastes for vapid television and literary criticism...

Elsewhere in the bin.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Letter to the editor)
July 1, 2008... Benjamin Percy's story ("April 20, 2008," May) was one of the greatest works of fiction I have ever read. Thank you for introducing me to a writer with such great talent. MIKE JOHNSTON Mahwah, N.J. (3) It's not surprising that you...

Something to do at Esquire.com.(This Way In: THE SOUND & THE FURY)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] SEE THE FUTURE. Parts of it, at least. To celebrate our 75th anniversary, we're asking people who are shaping the future to help us market art. All they have to do is sit there--or salsa, perform surgery, anything....

You (we) are not stupid *.(Opinion)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] You've heard the news. We're entering a new dark age. We're mired in an intellectual crisis. The average American has devolved into a Wii-playing mouth breather. Polls show that 94 percent of high school students...

Unintended consequences.(Man at His Best: The Culture)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... How the Tories caused the release of Coldplay's new album, Viva la Vida [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] [down arrow] In the early 1700s, Jonathan Swift works with--and publishes pamphlets in support of--the Tory--controlled British...

The hall of cultural significance: the five most intriguing performances this month.(Man at His Best: The Culture)(John C. Reilly, Adam Yauch, Hunter S. Thompson, Michael Ian Black and Dan the Automator and Russell Simins)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... OTHER GUY OF THE MONTH [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] John C. Reilly, costar of this month's duo comedies The Promotion and Step Brothers. Reilly's first true starring role (Walk Hard) is followed by two antibuddy films, first opposite Seann...

The appropriation: Anne Hathaway.(Film)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] WOMEN, CHILDREN, and fans of Anna Wintour, it's time to relinquish your hold. Ms. Hathaway is ours. Part of the world of men. Her responsibilities here are minimal. Singular, actually: to be appreciated. We've tried...

Greatest director alive: it ain't Steven. It ain't Woody. It ain't Marty.(Film)
July 1, 2008... No formula exists to determine the greatest living American filmmaker. The populist approach, which asks which directors have succeeded in turning themselves into brand names, yields two candidates: Scorsese and Spielberg. For achievement in...

The bewildered man: breast tattoos.(Man at His Best: The Culture)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] NICE TATTOO. Of a bird. On your breast. It's a delicate species you've picked out. What is it? A sparrow, a starling, a kingfisher, a tree swift? It's life-size, right? And it's in mid-flight, which is hopeful. It...

Funny * joke from a beautiful woman.(Man at His Best: The Culture)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... A MAN'S TALKING to his friend and he says, "I'm about to go on vacation, and I don't know what to do." His buddy asks, "Why?" And the man says, "Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. Came back, and the wife was pregnant. The year before that...

Have you been noticing a lot of skulls lately? A thousand words about our culture.(Man at His Best: The Culture)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] It's been 19 years since the last Indiana Jones movie, and apparently we can blame the generation-long lag on a skull. Lucas wanted Indy traipsing around Mexico for crystal Mayan death's-heads, and Spielberg and Ford...

Why cologne.(HOW A MAN SMELLS)(Buyers guide)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... Personal space is a space too often ignored by men. It contains you and, if you're lucky, another person of your choosing. Thus it should be welcoming and, occasionally fragrant. A few rules: Apply a light, citrus-based cologne during the day...

Which deodorant.(HOW A MAN SMELLS)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... Most smells on your body are the result of bacteria, which thrive in sweat. So you have two choices: cover the smell or stop yourself from sweating. While you might feel pushed away from antiperspirants, often by our own Dr. Oz (see right), if...

Why a man smells.(Man at His Best: The Instructions)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... 1. STRESS [d] Hormones and oils can increase with your stress level and create the right environment for bacteria to grow rapidly. 2. THE RIGHT FOODS [d] Probiotics and prebiotics reduce your body's toxicity, which can be released as odor from...

Sweating.(THE ENDORSEMENT)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... YOU CAN TELL on a first date whether it'll end in marriage or divorce. How? Smell her. And more important, let her smell you. Nothing weird, lust two animals catching one another's scent, triggering one of two subconscious reactions deep within...

The digital man: the end.(Man at His Best: The Instructions)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] Sweetie (the wife) and I have been traveling a lot. With my carry-on bag full of chargers for my three laptops (two Lenovos and a MacBook), three Lumix cameras (each does different things perfectly), two BlackBerrys...

Minor catastrophe no. 138: you've been invited to a potluck.(Man at His Best: The Instructions)(Recipe)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... Consultant: Paul Bartolotta, chef, Bartolotta Ristorante di Mare, Wynn Las Vegas [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] {1} Boil 24 giant tiger prawns (peeled and deveined) for five minutes. At four minutes, throw in 3 cups cannellini beans...

Sex: doesn't breast-feeding work as contraception?(Man at His Best: The Instructions)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] Yes, but it will never catch on, because it's too hard to fit in your wallet. Three conditions must be met for the lactational amenorrhea method (LAM), which exploits the natural infertility that occurs after...

Minor catastrophe no. 198: you flipped the canoe.(Man at His Best: The Instructions)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... Consultant: Dirk Dewley, Master Maine Guide, New England Outdoor Center [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] {1} Position yourself and another paddler at the bow and stem. Roll the canoe onto its side. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] {2} ...

The 10 commandments of summer style.(Man at His Best: Style)(Buyers guide)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] RULE NO. 1 Don't pack light. Pack smart. Think of it as the Gilligan's Island approach to travel. You think those people packed light for their three-hour tour? No. They packed knowing that stuff happens...

Who is America? This country is a) incapable of cultural influence or b) so culturally influential that the rest of the world is numb to our grasp. Discuss.(chuck klosterman's america)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] Due to a collision of seemingly unrelated events, I now live in the former republic of East Germany. Were I so inclined, I could use this column to explain how this happened, but that process does not interest me and...

Former Pro Bowl.(NFL PREVIEW)(Michael Vick, Darion Conner and Cole Corey)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... Former Pro Bowl quarterback Michael Vick is in Leavenworth. Rae Carruth, currently serving a nineteen-to twenty-four-year sentence for conspiring to kill his girlfriend, made the NFL all-rookie team in '97. Arena League linebacker Darion Conner...

Why men love cars: four cars. Four Reasons. One utterly transcendent visit to the auto show.(CARS 2008)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] Chugging from north Jersey to Cape Cod in the Forester last August, doing eighty-five on 1-95, four cylinders wheezing like an old miner, a goldfish-orange Lamborghini zips by and my son bucks in the backseat so hard...

Small cars for brave men: the case for automotive anorexia.(CARS 2008)(BMW 135i, Hyundai Genesis Coupe and Infiniti G37 Coupe )(Product/service evaluation)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] Some lessons you've got to learn the hard way: 1) Never buy a car that's powered by an engine other than what the manufacturer intended. 2) Never buy a car that was shadily imported, used, from a non-English-speaking...

The car of my son's dreams: and mine. And my wife's.(CARS 2008)(Jaguar XJ8 and Lexus LS 460L)(Product/service evaluation)
July 1, 2008... We try the Lexus LS 460L because my son's entire experience of cars is based on sitting in the backseat, and because one of his car guides rates the 460's backseat a perfect 10--the only 10 in the book. Plus, I wanted it. Bad. I ran some...

Mean men in big cars: a nod to the Dodge driver.(CARS 2008)(Dodge Ram 3500 Heavy Duty, Ford F-350 Super Duty and Chevy Silverado 3500 HD)(Product/service evaluation)
July 1, 2008... Over the years, no matter if I'm in Oregon or Kansas or Louisiana, time and time again, the guy who ignores the stop sign, who blasts past me in a no-passing zone, who plays chicken on a potholed strip of county two-lane, drives a Ram. All...

The conversion of an apathetic driver: or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Audi S6.(CARS 2008)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] There is an Audi S6 in my driveway. Here's what I know about the Audi $6. It costs more than seventy big. It's got something called a V-10. It's black. Outside of that, all I can say is that the car looks...

The life of Myers: his last starring role was five years ago. He hasn't given a magazine interview in nine years. Mike Myers, international man of mystery, has returned, but his life story has never been told. Until now.(Cover story)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] MY FORTY-FIVE YEARS IN FORTY-FIVE SENTENCES BY MIKE MYERS 1963: The Beatles, from Liverpool, England, release their first album, Please Please Me. That same year, my mother, also from Liverpool, releases me...

The battle of Newark: the battle for America's soul isn't in Baghdad,. It's right here at home, in a place forsaken long ago and ruled by depravity and despair. Then Cory Booker came to raise a city from the dead.(Interview)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] NEARLY 275,000 souls live in Newark, New Jersey--twelve miles from New York City--served by a grand total of one movie theater, where Cory Booker, Newark's mayor, sits on a Sunday night, hand-holding with a leggy...

Let us now praise the son of a bitch: (we need to choose our words more carefully).
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] PREAMBLE An epithet, when used well, has a specific purpose--to silence or egg on, to elegantly undercut or subversively praise. Here, a few words on the state of our favorite words. It's a celebration in two parts....

A moratorium.(douchebag)(Brief article)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] DOUCHEBAG. This toxic mess of a man is said to be everywhere, all the time. Now, we're pretty sure that there are no more douchebags today than at any other time in our history. It only seems that way, thanks to a...

Catching up with ....(cunt)
July 1, 2008... JANE FONDA'S A CUNT. Not because of Vietnam or Monster-in-Law--I couldn't give a damn about her overacted life--but because she's ruined the last good bad word we had left. Call a man a fat cunt and there was no confusion, no misinterpretation,...

When men speak of other men--in that way.(faggot)
July 1, 2008... GIDEON, GOD REST his soul, was the first gay man I ever knew. I didn't know that he was gay--I was but a lad often or twelve when I met him, back in the early 1960s--and as far as I know, Gideon, the twentyish son of family friends, dwelt...

A taxonomy of epithets: eleven crucial labels-illustrated.
July 1, 2008... MORE RESPECTABLE JACKASS Carlos Mencia (fig. 1) Kid Rock (fig. 2) Bret Michaels (fig. 3) [FIGURE 1 OMITTED] [FIGURE 2 OMITTED] [FIGURE 3 OMITTED] JAMOKE Matthew McConaughey (fig. 1) Scott Baio...

The six-letter word that changes everything: Michael Hensley ordered a sniper under his command named Evan Vela to kill a man on the field of battle. Vela is in prison. Hensley is not. And a question persists: for a soldier at war, what is the difference between killing and murder?
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] ON THE MORNING of May 11, 2007, Staff Sergeant Michael Hensley made a radio call to Lieutenant Matthew Didier. Didier was at the American Patrol Base in Jurf as Sakhr, a Sunni town on the Euphrates forty-five miles...

Esquire Elizabeth Banks is on our team women we love: a real guy's girl ... or at least one who appreciates men enough to ham up the part. (See left.) So we asked the actress to toss us some knowledge.(Interview)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATIONS OMITTED] Elizabeth Banks wants to show off her bruises. Big, purple, nasty-looking suckers dotting her back. She's got a reputation for being tough, the tomboy of Hollywood, but this is unnerving. "It's called cupping,"...

The suit vers. 3.0: computers may have changed some in the last fifty years, but a killer suit is still the best way to command respect in the workplace. Here, the next generation of Web heavies mix sharp tailoring with unexpected twists, and even try to sell us on their start-ups. They may want to look into some new hardware first.(Esquire--STYLE)(Buyers guide)
July 1, 2008... [ILLUSTRATIONS OMITTED] JORDAN GOLDBERG Cofounder of stickK.com Thirty-second sell: "It's a service by which people try to accomplish goals, such as quitting smoking, by instituting a layered accountability that forces them to...

Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr., aka Snoop Dogg: Rapper, 36, Los Angeles.(What I've Learned)(Interview)
July 1, 2008... * My momma gave me the name. I used to love Peanuts and Charlie Brown Snoopy was my favorite cartoon character growing up. I watched so much, I started to look like him. * A lot of people like to fool you and say that you're not smart if...

Everything I know about my family on my mother's side.(ESQUIRE FICTION)(Fictional work)
July 1, 2008... 1. Watch the husband and wife walking down Broadway together. Even looking at their backs, even from a distance, you can see the wife is making big sweeping points, advising. There is wisdom being shared. But she is a kindly woman, the...

75 page *: seventy-five years of storied history-in one easy page! This month: fiction: Roth, DeLillo, Carver, Hemingway--writers who could evoke an entire universe with a single sentence. Below, some of their best.(Quotation)
July 1, 2008... He turns the empty glass in his hand, and considers biting off the rim. Raymond Carver, "What Is It?" May 1972 [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] The first time she drowned in the cold and glassy waters of Lake Turcot, Fleur Pillager was only a...